Your Guide to Being Horny for Joe Burrow
Sports Horny. Horny Horny. Or both...like me.
Oh, hello. It’s me. On a Monday.
What is happening, you may be wondering? Well important matters are at hand—and I’m not talking about Rihanna’s pregnancy, though that is v. exciting and I’m not sure the world is ready for the facial beauty this child is about to bring upon us all. (I’d direct you to the great Hunter Harris for an emergency RiRi newsletter.)
But, no. There is someone else on my mind.
And that someone is Joe Burrow, QB1 for the Super Bowl-bound Cincinnati Bengals.
Baby, if you ever wondered. Wondered whatever became of me. I’m living off that win for Cincinnati—and feeling a way about fine ass Joey B.
Just maybe think of me once in a while, indeed, sir.
Guys. I’m sorry. But I couldn’t help myself. The song was in my head all day and I tip my mic to to the great Dr. Johnny Fever. (More on Howard Hesseman, WKRP, and Head of the Class coming at you during our regularly scheduled Friday programming.)
Right now is Joe Burrows’ time. He’s an icon. He’s a legend. He IS the moment. My crush on this man has been growing of late—and now it’s a full-blown obsession.
And we know how those go around here. Things really ramped up as the Bengals mounted a comeback against the Chiefs yesterday, led by Joe Cool.
I was not alone, as even my non-football loving friends were texting me with commentary about this Ohio man. One beloved pal tried to come at me with talk of him looking like a grownup Kevin McAllister (not Mack Culkin, there is a difference she claims) and I had to shut that down (even if she is not incorrect) as it did NOT vibe with the feelings I was having about my new boyfriend. Also, a Culkin is like the size of Joe’s thigh. But I digress.
Don’t twist it, much of this love is fueled by admiration for his athletic prowess and football skills. But also other things.
Listen, is this also a projection after a season with my mediocre-at-best, skittish, unvaxxed, bad Prince Harry knockoff of a QB who is armed with more Bible verses than clutch plays? Perhaps, perhaps. (I’m a diehard Colts fan for those who don’t know. The fam has had season tickets since the team came to town in ‘84 and I broke my foot watching us lose to the Steelers in the playoffs in January 2006. Again, I do nothing halfway.)
But as we go into two weeks of Super Bowl media and the beautiful convergence of pop culture and sports, it’s fun to have someone like JB around to bandwagon for. Plus, Cincy is a mere two hours away from Indy and I know more than a few tortured Bengals fans who I’m very happy for right now. (I also had a v. Rams-heavy fantasy team this season and won my league…so a shout-out to them too. I think this is going to be a fun game and we obvs have a dope AF halftime show coming that has Gen X written all over it.)
In the meantime, I present why we should all be horny for Joe Burrow in some capacity.
He is hot.
Eyes! Lips! Scruff! Looks great in a beanie! But the rest of this list makes him even more so.
He is very good at football.
Some might say this is obvious, but see above about my starting QB who loves to throw the ball to the other team in the red zone. Joe does not typically do this. Joe is a fucking alpha. Joe has led his very recently quite shitty team to the Super Bowl. It is extremely fun to watch him do his job, even if you are a person who doesn’t understand the game.
He is already a champion.
Joey B led the LSU Tigers to the 2020 national championship. He knows from a big stage and isn’t afraid of it.
He is the coolest under pressure.
Ice in his veins, babyyyyyy. He cannot be rattled. This motherfucker got sacked NINE times last week and was like, “I’m good. We’re winning.” He was down 21-3 against Pat Mahomes and the SB-favorite Chiefs and said, “That’s a no from me, dawg” and brought them all the way back.
Sidebar: Playoff comebacks are so awesome. I have been witness to two incredible ones in person in my day: P. Manning and the Colts over the GD Patriots in 2007 which led us to our SB victory and Andrew Luck and the boys in speed blue over the aforementioned Chiefs in 2014. It is not hyperbole to say that the Colts/Pats game was one of the greatest days of my entire life. I hope we can get rid of Carson Wentz and see the playoffs again next year.
He is elusive.
Every time he evaded a sack yesterday, the temperature rose in my apartment. I have deduced (with zero evidence or logical reasoning) that this means he’s likely a little emotionally unavailable and sometimes leaves you on read…but like in a hot way. (Yes, I will speak to my therapist about this.)
He loves statement fashion pieces.
He is a humble king with good taste in music.
He has swagger for fucking days.
Y’all can keep your Pete Davidsons. I’m good over here.
He seems like he would be into older women.
I have no proof of this, but cannot be convinced otherwise. For the record, Joe is 25 and was born as I was wrapping up my college semester abroad in Australia. I am, as ever, on brand.
He rolls with his homies.
I first took note of Joe in his national title game. I don’t really do tons of college football, but I watch pretty much all sporting championships. I love that he might get another one with his Tiger bros—and don't think I didn’t notice his LSU bracelet in the post-game interview yesterday.
He loves the movie Pootie Tang AND science.
He follows Simone Biles, Zendaya, and Seth Rogen on Instagram.
I’m in love. What more will we learn during this approaching media blitz?!?
HIS power is so raw and fresh, it makes me forget basic grammar.
He cares about important stuff and isn’t afraid to talk about it publicly.
***Please don't let anything bad surface about my new love, online or otherwise.
“Who Dey?” you ask. We are the Joe Burrow stans, new and old. Good luck in two weeks, bae. We’ll be rooting for you.
See you all on Friday for more of my usual nonsense.
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Great piece Abby. Joe is cetainly sizing up to be one of the greats, and he is definately easy on the eyes! Have you seen the recent documentary on another Joe? SF 49ers Joe Montana, actually quite good.
Ok, you convinced me! lol hey sometime we can have a face-off between our newsletter-crushes - your QBs vs my Austen leading men, Joe Burrow arm wrestling with Johnny Flynn, etc. lol