TTPD Countdown: 20 Taylor Swift Songs That Torture Me Emotionally
In a cool way, that I enjoy. All's fair in love and poetry, right?
It’s me. Hi.
Happy The Tortured Poets Department Week to all who celebrate.
If that’s very much not you, it’s cool. You just go on ahead and skip the abundance of Taylor Swift content that is going to be coming at you from me and many others this week. I won’t be offended. Promise. I will certainly not be shutting up about TTPD anytime soon. So there’s also that.
Do with that information as you wish.
But for all my Swifties, Swiftie-adjacents, and the Swiftie curious, I’ve got some bonus posts coming at you leading up to the release of Taylor Alison Swift’s 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department, which will enter our lives at midnight on April 19.
This one is for all my loveliest of lovely subscribers, but the others will be for my paid people. With lil teasers for all, in case you get intrigued. Of course, the main recap post of TTPD will not be kept behind the gate. I would never.
I will obviously be staying up in my typical unhinged, manic state to listen to what the Department Chair has to say to us all when that clock strikes 12 on the 19th.
Buckle up. There will be crying and dancing, sometimes simultaneously, and so very many lyrics to analyze and invisible strings to discover.
I live for times like this.
PREVIOUSLY ON WHN: Grammys Night 2024
In today’s countdown post, we’ll get into the 20 songs of Taylor’s that currently torture me the most. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, and otherwise.
You may be saying, “Why 20 and not 131, Abby?” Well, thank you for asking.
I was going to do 13 and will for posts later in the week. As per usual, I struggled with the editing down portion of the program. So, I found a rationalized workaround for my own rules. Like how in The Eras Tour: Phase 1, Taylor said she could repeat a surprise song if it was from Midnights or she messed it up.
The Tortured Poets Department features 16 main tracks and four bonus songs (currently tied to different vinyl variants) and, thusly, I feel comfortable with a 20 song list for today. Yes, this is the kind of thing I have to do in my brain to make things make sense. (If I miscounted the songs here, maybe don’t tell me because I will ruminate on it until I shed this mortal coil???)
I’m going to try not to overlap the songs I talk about this week as much as I can, but there will be some and that cannot be rationalized away.
Before we get to today’s tracks, let’s catch ourselves up on some tangential TTPD news.
As I mentioned in Friday’s post, Taylor hasn’t been doing a ton of overt promo leading up to the album. She let the last leg of the tour do a lot of that work and I think it’s been smart, considering how saturated the market is right now for her, certainly, but also with new music in general.
She did pop up at Coachella with Travis this weekend2—and took a photo with another Tre3, aka Teresa Giudice of RHONJ + table flipping fame. I cannot even with this moment existing.
Blondie, I will even allow this hiddy photo of me from the Cosmo beauty closet circa 2013 to show that invisible string tying me to you…
Sidebar: We must also take a moment to throw it back to Bleachella, an iconic micro-era.
Our girl also rolled out a new series of puzzles in partnership with Apple Music4. Basically, we get a clue from a Taylor Nation5 post which sends us over to Apple Music with a word is hidden in the lyrics to the song, as indicated by randomly capitalized letters (a common Taylor Easter egg method).
Saturday’s path started with a literal glitch in the TN IG Story.
This, ofc, sent us all over to “Glitch” wherein the capitalized letters could be unscrambled to spell out “HEREBY”.
At that point, I was like, the message might even be as simple as “hereby” calling the meeting of the department to order. But who the fuck knows with this one??? It’s fun and she knows we love it.
Even if the specific time of day drops are giving me PTSD to the Harry’s House marketing run-up with the tweet every day at noon and that door opening a sliver to reveal a hint of new imagery every day.
Previously on WHN: How We Learned About Harry’s New Album
On Sunday, the clown emoji in the post was the clue. There were a couple clown lyrics that came to mind, like the rodeo ones from “Mirrorball”. But I did get it right on the first guess with “Peace” and its “robbers to the east, clowns to the west6” line.
We got the word: CONDUCT. Monday’s was “THIS” by way of “Better Than Revenge”.
“Hereby conduct this…” meeting theory still holding.
There’s also a special countdown effect going on Instagram.
Of course they’re using it to push Threads, even though Taylor herself hasn’t popped up there yet. (Taylor Nation is on the platform, however.)
We also had a brilliant Ryan Gosling episode of SNL that opened with a monologue based around “All Too Well”7 and featuring Emily Blunt. (We’ll get into the amazing run of sketches that almost made me pee my pants over the past few weeks in the regular Friday post.)
As I said on social media, I’m not sure 2012 Abby would have been able to survive this, given how psychotic my Gosling obsession was in the moment of the OG Red album release.
Lordy. This. Man.
I knew the second I saw it, she was going to post something. This went up on her Stories Sunday night.
Okay, that’s got us up to speed. For now. My SwAnxiety™ levels will be high all week.
Let’s get emotionally tortured (complimentary) with 20 songs that absolutely wreck me. And please, please share yours in the comments or my DMs/texts or carrier pigeon, if you prefer.
As I said, these are the songs that send me into various stages of spiraling out right this second. A different period in life (hell, even a different hour) could shift some of these, while others will always make the list. Some are pretty basic bitch DUH options and others maybe less so.
One of the things I love so much about Blondie’s8 vast catalogue is that I can find a song to address pretty much anything I’m feeling at any given time, or to describe a way I felt in any given moment in my past.
She has a very magical ability to take something extremely personal and specific and make it feel like it’s yours. It’s like the more she goes inward, the more communal a Swiftie finds it. While I know this is obviously not true, I feel like she is writing about things that happened to me. Or putting something into words in a way I wish I could.
Again, all this torture is welcomed and appreciated. I also love yoga in 105 degree rooms followed by lengthy cold plunges. How far can I push myself physically or emotionally is a game I’ll always like to play.
Here’s my list—in no particular order—and with an attempt made to keep (some of) my commentary shorter than usual9.
Happiness, Evermore
I have lines from this song ready to use for the dedication of one of my myriad book ideas that I’ve never finished. But, someday. To me, this song is the melancholic way you can start to look back on a relationship once you’ve gotten a lil bit therapized, but not so much that all your anger is gone.
There’s perspective in it and that tears me up inside. Angst fuels me in so many ways. (This song will be appearing again and hence I’m holding out on some lyrics.)
I can't make it go away by making you a villain
I guess it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven
And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night now I get fake niceties
No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him too
All Too Well (Taylor’s Version) / All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault), Red (Taylor’s Version)
ATW has been my favorite Taylor Swift song since October 22, 2012—the day the original Red album dropped. I don’t know if anything will ever be able to take its place. For a long time, this song was very much inside-the-fandom famous, but not to the larger world. That’s obviously not the case anymore, but it doesn’t matter. It’s perfect. (See also: “Cruel Summer”)
The 10-minute version only made it feel even more like a reflection of my own life.
You see, I’ve always said Red was the album I needed in my late 20s but didn’t get until I was into my 30s. Let’s just say that my big ex, the one I was with in my aforementioned 20s—and who may or may not have a new Netflix special many of you have commented to me about10—might have some personality traits in common with a certain someone who inspired much of this album.
Charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes, coffee in hand late night show vibes? ✔️
Waiting agonizing lengths of time to call it love? ✔️
Coming back, again and again, almost cruelly (but under the guise of honesty) as if I was meant to be broken like a promise? ✔️
Me = secret/bad joke teller? Him = oath/joke teller? ✔️
Things mailed back? ✔️
Maimed? ✔️
I could go on and on.
I don’t know that a song has ever made me feel more seen, which is how the opposite of how the Taylor of ATW and I both (allegedly) felt at times in our own relationships.
And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
Marjorie, Evermore
I’ve written a bunch of times about how this song (about Taylor’s grandmother) makes me think of my mom and how I absolutely lost my shit every time I saw it live on tour. I don’t foresee this changing anytime soon, as that can also easily happen in my apartment or car.
Previously on WHN: My First Eras Show Reactions
“Marjorie” is also the inspo for the tattoos I have just under my bra line. Currently, the only lyrically-tinged tats I have.
Anyone who’s ever lost someone close to them can get got by these lyrics:
I should've asked you questions
I should've asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me
Should've kept every grocery store receipt
'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams
And how you left them all to me
The Best Day (Taylor’s Version), Fearless (Taylor’s Version)
Even before my mom died I could barely listen to this song. Now, it’s a whole other thing. It also taps into the ache deep inside you that comes from every time you were left out, especially during middle school. Those memories never go away and, in fact, sit so close to the surface in ways I’m not sure any of us yet fully comprehend.
I legit cried just pasting these lyrics in.
I'm thirteen now
And don't know how
My friends could be so mean
I come home crying
And you hold me tight
And grab the keysAnd we drive and drive
Until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop
'Till I forgotten all their namesI don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing
On the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
Also, I do very much recognize that because there are many ways I grew up similarly to Taylor, our girlhoods resemble each other in a way that might not be as relatable to others who had different circumstances. For many reasons. And it’s okay if that’s one of the reasons you can’t get with her stuff or understand why others love it so deeply. I get it. But my experience is mine and hers is hers and yours is yours.
And sometimes the package makes it appear as if things are easier for someone than they are. We’d all do well to remember that.
Now, if you’re in the Dead Moms Club, you might know what I’m talking about here in terms of the maternal stuff. It’s all the more poignant given the cancer battles Taylor’s own mom, Andrea, has gone through over the years.
“The Best Day” is also a great reminder to tell the people in your life when you’ve had a special day with them or a silly, special memory is made that you will hold dear forever. Especially when it might seem random or everyday to them. That’s what I end up missing the most. Along with the really awesome hugs.
I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house
And I had space to run and I
had the best days with youThere is a video I found
From back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen
And you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships
And the seven dwarfs
And Daddy's smart
And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide worldAnd now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side
Even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine andI didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today
I Wish You Would (Taylor’s Version), 1989 (Taylor’s Version)
I’ve also talked a lot about how 1989’s first cycle in 2014 played a huge part in helping pull me out of the Swamps of Sadness that were the first part of my grief journey.
Previously on WHN: 1989 (Taylor’s Version):
So while this song is a POP BOP, I often sob through it. I’m beyond grateful it was one of my surprise songs in Chicago.
I wish you would come back
Wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did
I wish you knew that
I'd never forget you as long as I'd liveAnd I wish you were right here, right now
It's all good
I wish you wouldI wish we could go back
And remember what we were fighting for
Wish you knew that
I miss you too much to be mad anymore
You’re Losing Me (From the Vault), Midnights
To me, this is one of the saddest songs Taylor’s written11 and could be a little glimpse into some of the feelings that went into TTPD, as it was written right around the same time she was starting on this upcoming album.
I mean, it’s starts with a sigh and her literal heartbeat. We were in for it from the jump.
There are SO many feelings swirling around in this song: sadness, anger, frustration, confidence, desperation, bitterness, hope, love…it’s perfect. You gotta have the bitter to appreciate the sweet.
Plus, it’s got a banging bridge made for scream-singing in the car.
How long could we be a sad song
'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don't you ignore me
I'm the best thing at this party
(You're losin' me)
And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her
And I'm fadin', thinkin'"Do something, babe, say something"
"Lose something, babe, risk something"
"Choose something, babe, I got nothing
To believe
Unless you're choosin' me"
Fifteen (Taylor’s Version), Fearless (Taylor’s Version)
Being a teenage girl is so hard, no matter what era you grow up in. I hold that this song so clearly represents a version of that girlhood that was very, very real to me—and still rings true.
It takes me back to that time when I believed I wasn’t enough. WHY DID HAVING A BOYFRIEND MATTER SO MUCH??????? (I never had boyfriends.) Ughhhhhh. It didn’t. Balls.
Thank god I don’t have to be 15 ever again and can just carry on my teen spirit, with all the life experience and therapy on top.
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know nowBack then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had
To a boy who changed his mind
And we both cried'Cause when you're fifteen
And somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Don't forget to look before you fallBut I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen
Tim McGraw, Taylor Swift
As a grown woman who has been a fan of Taylor since she was a teen, her music has always been tinged with nostalgia for me. As she was writing about her life and experiences, I was already looking back at those times in my own.
The ache of nostalgia runs deep in my Scorpio soul. In part, because I struggle to ever let anything go and have a fairly insane memory. I wouldn’t change a thing.
This song feels so viscerally like young crushes and love that it hurts (so good).
When you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think my favorite song
Someday you'll turn your radio on
I hope it takes you back to that place
When you think happiness
I hope you think that little black dress
Think of my head on your chest
And my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think of me
Last Kiss (Taylor’s Version), Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)
This song absolutely GUTS me to my core. I don’t present as sensitive and sappy as I actually am inside, but I feel things intensely. It’s easier to for me to process all of that through the lens of pop culture—letting it out, or accessing it, through music or movies or TV shows. As the great Nicole Kidman says, “Heartbreak feels good in a place like this.”
But, MY GOD, the specificity in this song (one of Taylor’s great songwriting traits) is beyond. When the one you thought was IT is, in fact, not IT. That pain is sometimes unimaginable—and low-key one of the reasons I just don’t do even bother to date12.
The fading away of a love you thought you’d never say goodbye to is a pretty universal feeling.
Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptionsAnd I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you missI never thought we'd have a last kiss
I never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Like, how dare this 19-year-old see into my soul?
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you areAnd I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
Long Live (Taylor’s Version), Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)
Taylor wrote this one for us and it feels that way through and through. Especially for those that have ridden out many waves of hate for this person we love so much over the years.
But it’s also a larger metaphor for all that I love about fandom, in general. The community I find there. The way I can be vulnerable in a different way and be my full-ass self, in all its weirdness.
‘Tis our anthem and I never don’t get full body chills when I hear it.
I’ve yet to see it live on the Eras Tour (though I have on past tours) because SNTV wasn’t out yet13 during my previous shows and that’s when she added it to the main set list. It’s gonna go HARD at Wembley in August though—and again in Indy in the fall14.
Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
How the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
And I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid
Singing long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
And long, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered
Never Grow Up (Taylor’s Version), Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)
Listen, you don’t have to be a parent for this song to punch you in the gut. It’s so CRAZY how the child-free can also share such emotions 😉. But if you do and you’ve never heard this song, hold onto your heart.
That old nostalgia thing about your own childhood might just creep in, too.
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone
Nothing New (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault), Red (Taylor’s Version)
You aren’t going to put Taylor and Phoebe Bridgers on a track together and not cause me to lose my mind and open up my tear ducts. Then you make it about something that was written in youth, but can be applied to what it feels like to enter middle age as a woman? Please. I die.
Oh, and then I got to see them perform it together live for the first time ever at Nashville N1. A dream.
Lord, what will become of me
Once I've lost my novelty?I've had too much to drink tonight
And I know it's sad, but this is what I think about
And I wake up in the middle of the night
It's like I can feel time moving
How can a person know everythin' at 18
But nothin' at 22?
And will you still want me
When I'm nothing new?How long will it be cute, all this cryin' in my room?
When you can't blame it on my youth
And roll your eyes with affection
And my cheeks are growing tired
From turning red and faking smiles
Are we only biding time 'til I lose your attention?
New Year’s Day, Reputation
This song rips my heart out every damn time. I think it’s undervalued on Reputation and do believe it will get its proper flowers whenever our clowning is right and we finally get the Taylor’s version of the album.
It’s so beautiful in its specific simplicity. “Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” is a devastating lyric.
Bless.
You can only imagine how I felt when this was how it went down on Rep Tour.
And if you’ve never seen this Jimmy Fallon performance, well, it kills me every time. His mom had just died and he told a story about how she would squeeze his hand (and his sister’s) three times to say, “I love you.”
Taylor did this song on the show for him.
A song that has the line, “You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi.”
When she wasn’t really doing press for the album because that was not what Reputation was about. But that’s who Taylor is
Yeah. So hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.
Daylight, Lover
I feel like “Daylight” might be unexpected song for this list—unless you get my emotional roller coaster, which I know many of you do because you share the ride in your own lives. Sometimes what rocks me about a Taylor song is the depth of emotion she is able to express in what appears to be a simple sentence or two.
Like, this just takes me OUT:
I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you
I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night
And now I see daylight, I only see daylight
Right Where You Left Me, Evermore
I no longer feel this way, but for way too long in my life I felt stuck. Well, I don’t actually think I felt stuck, that was the problem. I just was stuck. It’s not my favorite thing in the world to admit. Though the truth is, for quite some time, that belief was connected to a relationship that was over—even though we were so over, we needed a new word for over.
Then this monster had to write things like:
Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me
Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left meHelp, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared
How dare she? But, thank you.
Ronan (Taylor’s Version), Red (Taylor’s Version)
I’m not sure I need to say more, other than that this song was written about a tiny boy who died from cancer when he was just a sweet four-year-old baby. His mom, Maya, had been writing a blog about their journey. Taylor and her parents were following it and that is how the song came to be. It was a charity single for Stand Up 2 Cancer that is now included in the Red (TV) era because it came out in 2012.
It’s a lot to take in and I can’t listen to it very often, especially now that I have six nephews. My own little men with the sweetest eyes you’ve ever seen.
Consider yourselves warned.
I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs
I love you to the moon and backI remember your blue eyes looking into mine
Like we had our own secret club
I remember you dancing before bedtime
Then jumping on me, waking me upI can still feel you hold my hand, little man
And even the moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you?Come on, baby, with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four yearsI remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who diedAnd it's about to be Halloween, you could be anything
You wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
And whispered in your earCome on, baby, with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room
In this hospital grey, we'll just disappear
Come on, baby, with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four yearsWhat if I'm standing in your closet
Trying to talk to you?
And what if I kept the hand-me-downs
You won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle
Would see us through?
What if the miracle was even getting
One moment with you?Come on, baby, with me
We're gonna fly away from hereCome on, baby, with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four yearsI remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back
You can see a bit more about their family’s story in this Katie Couric interview.
That relationship with Taylor didn’t end with the performance and Mama Maya has been an integral part of the fandom ever since. We love her and her family forever and always—and of course she’s been to Eras. If you get a Maya sighting, you win.
The Archer, Lover
This one’s for all the girls who have ever been told they’re “too much” or felt like they were perhaps too difficult to love, or rather, love forever. But who didn’t want to change the entirety of who we were15 because of that, while still feeling wrecked by that perception. Thank god we didn’t change, as it turns out so many of those boys (I’m straight, so yes this is my heteronormative Gen X take…sue me!) will now admit they were “intimidated”.
Meanwhile, a bunch of us were out here sobbing.
Then maybe leaned a little too hard into being wanted because it gave us a sense of a confidence we hadn’t known before. But it didn’t fix everything and that nagging insecurity was still there. I don’t think I’m alone here, though I’ve also deleted that sentence and pasted it back in more times than I’d like to admit.
Anyway, thanks Tay. You get it.
Also thanks for even giving us a tiny bit of this song on Eras. I thought I’d get it with Lover Fest16, but you putting into this show makes me feel like you get me even more.
Combat, I'm ready for combat
I say I don't want that, but what if I do?
'Cause cruelty wins in the movies
I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to youEasy they come, easy they go
I jump from the train, I ride off alone
I never grew up, it's getting so old
Help me hold onto youI've been the archer
I've been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?Dark side, I search for your dark side
But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?
And I cut off my nose just to spite my face
Then I hate my reflection for years and yearsI wake in the night, I pace like a ghost
The room is on fire, invisible smoke
And all of my heroes die all alone
Help me hold onto youI've been the archer
I've been the prey
Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
(I see right through me, I see right through me)'Cause they see right through me
They see right through me
They see right through
Can you see right through me?
They see right through
They see right through me
I see right through me
I see right through me
The 1, Folklore
When this Blonde Sagittarian witch said (in the early fucking days of the pandie) some version of, “Oh hi, I’m dropping an album in a few hours” I obviously went into an insane panic and state of excitement.
I remember exactly how it felt inside my body as I sat on my terrace and the first notes of this song came into my headphones. It was perfect. “The 1” has been in my top five most played (for the YEAR) since 2020. I couldn't love a song more.
I don’t know if it would have hit the same way at a another point in my life, not just because of where the world was then, but also where I was as a 40-something single woman.
*sweats because she’s about to get vulnerable again and also because Gardners are a sweaty people*
Man oh man does my girl get right to the heart of regret. And that specific kind that isn’t mad, it’s just wistful and wondering. Delicious angst. I persist and resist and ask too, sis. But I’m also doing good and on some new shit.
I guess you never know, never know
And it's another day waking up aloneBut we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring 20s, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the oneI, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?
Only a very few people know who I think of when I hear this song—and he def doesn’t have any comedy specials on Netflix.
This Is Me Trying, Folklore
As an elder Swiftie who has been here since the beginning (though the psychosis has grown, obvs!), I’ve really enjoyed discovering reasons why I connected with her back then that I didn’t take in at the time. Or then to realize that while I might be older, many themes that run through our lives or personalities are extremely similar in the present tense as well.
Her adulthood was sped up in ways I’ll never understand. But expectations (real or imagined) that you’re not living up to? I get that. Even if the alleged “failure” is only in your own head.
The dagger strikes deep. Here’s to you all my fellow eldest daughters who were a pleasure to have in class.
I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorwayI just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me tryingThey told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here
Pouring out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey
Sweet Nothing, Midnights
I think this entire post proves that “I’m just too soft for all of it.”
But also the idea of someone simply accepting you and how your mind/mood/essence works while wanting nothing more in return is overwhelmingly emotional for a girl like me. All of my stuff doesn’t work as magically as Taylor Alison Swift’s, but I recognize that it doesn’t always make me easy for everyone.
So, yeah. This one slays me to my core.
On the way home
I wrote a poem
You say, "What a mind"
This happens all the time'Cause they said the end is coming
Everyone's up to something
I find myself running home to your sweet nothings
Outside, they're push and shoving
You're in the kitchen humming
All that you ever wanted from me was nothingIndustry disruptors and soul deconstructors
And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other
And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"
To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it
Thank you for coming on this sobfest with me. What’s getting you insanely feelings-driven of late?
Next up, we’ll be tackling my favorite literary references in pre-TTPD Taylor songs. It’s mostly written already and I promise it’s shorter. Though why do I keep caveating myself that way???? UGH.
But not ugh to you fools. Love you, mean it.
xA
For the uninitiated, 13 is Taylor’s favorite number and the date of her birth: December 13, 1989. It is also the inverse of MY birthday: October 31. I love this for us. This number is very meaningful to Taylor and appears often in the Swiftverse.
Was their friend Molly with them? I’d say MAYHAPS.
Taylor’s right-hand woman/publicist/fellow genius + redhead/one of the patron saints of WHN is Tree Paine.
Apple Music Superiority is real. Get in, Spotify losers. JK, sort of. Spotify listeners got a Taylor message today and they did just announce an LA event at The Grove. All of these big artists have to spread some exclusive stuff around to all the major music platforms with a drop. But she has always had a special place for Apple Music.
This is the marketing arm of Taylor’s biz on social and beyond, etc—as opposed to her personal account. Like how Harry has an account and there’s also HSHQ. Many artists operate this way. TN is deeply embedded in much fandom lore over the years.
Many (ahem, me) have always interpreted this as a subtle dig at Kanye and Kim.
There’s an ATW moment in their upcoming movie, The Fall Guy.
If you’re newer, this is a term of endearment in the Swiftie fandom.
LOL, I added this footnote as I’m “editing”. I cannot help but be longwinded. It’s in my genes.
I love your messages, especially the ones I’ll never repeat publicly. I haven’t seen the full special yet, but what I’ve seen is funny so far. That was never the issue 😏.
SAYING SOMETHING
Never fear, this is regularly addressed in therapy.
This is not a complaint! I could never. Plus, she did announce SNTV right in front of my face in Nashville.
We’ll talk a little more about what might change on tour when this album comes out later in the week.
I def sublimated some stuff. That’s for sure.
Lover Fest was Taylor’s concert plan for 2019’s Lover album, which didn’t happen because of the pandemic. She then dropped Folklore, Evermore, and Midnights before this tour and that’s one of the main reasons we even have Eras. Blondie had four albums she hadn’t toured and needed to find a solution for that situation.