Because I Knew You, I Have Been Changed for Good
On fandom + grief 💔🥹🫶
Hi hi hi.
Lord, what a week that one we just had was. The Big Feelings™ were certainly Big Feeling™ themselves all over the place—and we’re going to tackle more than a few of them head on.
I was trying to finish this Sunday on my flight back from LA, where I saw Joni Mitchell perform on Saturday night at the Hollywood Bowl. That’s a whole other layer of fangirl emotions I’m still processing and will certainly write more about in the coming days. But the WiFi was being a dick and yesterday was insanely busy, so now here we are at Tuesday.
Seriously though, my kingdom for somebody to figure out plane wi-fi in a real way.
For those who don’t know, I’m currently in the middle of my first semester teaching a class at the Media School at Indiana University. One that I invented, which will never stop being a wild concept to me. It’s called “Pop Culture, Storytelling, and Media” and it’s so far been one of my favorite things I’ve ever done in my career.
Anyway, something we talk about a lot is that with any piece of content—big or small—you should be able to discern who it’s primarily for (though that is not its only audience), what story is it trying to tell, and why is that person/brand/publication the one telling it.
The events of the past week or so have felt uniquely positioned for me to tackle and try to make some sense of, but also as Joan Didion famously said, “I don’t know what I think until I write it down.” It took me a minute to figure out how I wanted to frame up my thoughts and maybe it will all still sound disjointed (such is my way), but this is where I landed.
The intersection of fandom and grief is very much in my self-appointed wheelhouse. I had a whole bunch of other things I was going to cover1, but I think we’ll stay in this lane and save some of that for later this week.
I was already focused on writing about grief before the news of Liam Payne’s death hit the internet. Well, more focused than usual because if you’ve spent much time here over the years, you know I love to examine grief, in general, but especially through the lens of pop culture.
I wrote a piece for Another Jane Pratt Thing about some of the ways volunteering at grief camp has altered the course of my life and the ironically positive outcomes that can come from terrible, overwhelming loss. Eventually, anyway. And with a lot of internal work. It actually went live the day that Liam died.
A big thank you to
and (another former Jane mag friend + a brilliant editor) for giving me a space to talk about one of my favorite places on the planet. Writing about my camp fam for my old Jane fam2 felt incredibly right—and welcome to anyone who has joined this quirky lil space of mine by way of AJPT.You should all subscribe to Another Jane Pratt Thing if you haven’t already and you can click below to read my piece.
As I say in the piece, grief is a real asshole and it is important to give ourselves and others grace to learn how best to manage and evolve and grow with it. Because grief never leaves—and it’s also not exclusively connected to people you knew and loved IRL. Someone could have an estranged relationship with a parent, for example, and still have very complex feelings of grief upon their death. Or you could have very real and valid and complicated and devastating feelings about a celebrity you’ve never met, but whose work touched you deeply.
I love this clip my friend Archana sent me recently.
Many of you probably saw this viral clip of global treasure Andrew Garfield3 talking about grief with Elmo. My heart…
So, you would have to have been living a fairly offline life to miss the news that Liam Payne, formerly of One Direction, died in Argentina at the very young age of 31 after falling from his hotel room balcony.
Sidebar: There is a lot of information and misinformation floating around out there and I would be remiss if I didn’t step up on my pop culture media literacy soapbox and say my usual, “Virality doesn’t equal veracity.” Use discernment and critical thinking and, well, your human emotions when perusing and sharing media and content.
But perhaps you weren’t necessarily aware of what a huge impact this news might have on so many people around the world.
Enter your (hopefully) favorite elder fangirl/adult Directioner with some context and commentary.
I’ve never been a Liam girl, but there is no denying how vital he was to all that 1D became, as one of the biggest boy bands of all time.
There’s also no denying that in the years since the band went on “hiatus”, Liam has struggled and seemed extremely lost. His solo career hadn’t panned out in the way I think he hoped it would. There have been substance abuse issues, various degrees of shit-talking about the lads, generally problematic and concerning behavior, and more recently allegations of abuse by his former fiancée.
In many ways, it’s a tale as old as time, in terms of what all too often happens to young people thrust into the white hot spotlight and not kept safe from the perils of Hollywood or the music industry. Who cares about the well-being of these youngs when there is money to be made and fame to be had, right Simon Cowell?
I could barely stomach reading his tribute4 to Liam. But, I’m trying to give grace to Simon’s grief, while also screaming, “YOU ARE WHAT YOU DID” in my head.
I don’t really want to get into my Ted Talk about how those boys were treated by management, but I HAVE NOTES—and we don’t even really know the half of it. Their work and touring schedule was fucking insane for five years. This we know. I think it broke each of them in different ways. Some were more capable of navigating it than others, for myriad reasons.
When they became a group on X Factor, Harry was the youngest at 16 and Louis was the oldest at 18. Look at those baby faces.
That doesn’t excuse any shitty things Liam may have done, but it is context. In recent weeks, there were a lot more conversations happening on social media about Liam’s behavior back then…and now. It wasn’t positive, let’s just say that. The noise level was turned up after he went to one of Niall’s shows in Argentina and was very much giving damaged main character pick me energy.
Honestly, it was real tough to watch.
For those of us who exist in such spaces online, it felt like we’d been trending toward tragedy for quite some time. I kept hoping for a rehab announcement, but, alas, it was not to be. While he’s never been my fave or even someone I felt super invested in outside of the band, I’ve always wanted him to get it together and be okay.
It’s a sad story and it comes with complex feelings for a lot of people who grew up in the 1D fandom. I would never claim to be an OG Directioner. I have way too much respect for them than to do that.
I was a fan back then, for sure. But I came into the hardcore part of the fandom later and retroactively learned all the lore that they lived through and helped create. Though I’ve always been a chronically online person, so it wasn’t as if I was completely unaware of fandom behaviors. And I was deep in all my Swiftian spaces back then, I just wasn’t in the trenches with the Directioners in that way, in real time.
My initial sadness was, of course, for all who knew and loved Liam personally. My wish for his seven-year-old son, Bear, is to find people who can offer him what I’ve seen grief camp give to so many kids.
I knew that whatever the rest of boys said was going to make me cry. I even had a moment thinking about Anne, Harry’s mom, and just started to tear up. Then she posted this.
I really am too soft for all of it and have never met or had a subtle feeling. As a Scorpio, you may not always see them on the outside, but they are so GD intense on the inside. I promise you this.
Then came the post from the 1D account and let’s just say this is NOT how any of us wanted to see them posting again for the first time since 2020. Even reading Zayn’s name back with the boys was 🥹.
Then came the individual posts. Oof.
Louis.
I am beyond devastated to be writing this but yesterday I lost a brother. Liam was somebody I looked up to everyday, such a positive, funny, and kind soul.
I first met Liam when he was 16 and I was 18, I was instantly amazed by his voice but more importantly as time went on I got a chance to see the kind brother I’d longed all my life for.
Liam was an incredible song writer with a great sense of melody, we often spoke of getting back in the studio together to try and recreate the writing chemistry we had built up in the band.
And for the record, Liam was in my opinion the most vital part of One Direction. His experience from a young age, his perfect pitch, his stage presence, his gift for writing. The list goes on. Thank you for shaping us Liam.
A message to you Liam if you’re listening,
I feel beyond lucky to have had you in my life but I’m really struggling with the idea of saying goodbye. I’m so grateful that we got even closer since the band, speaking on the phone for hours , reminiscing about all the thousands of amazing memories we had together is a luxury I thought I’d have with you for life. I would have loved to share the stage with you again but it wasn’t to be.
I want you to know that if Bear ever needs me I will be the Uncle he needs in his life and tell him stories of how amazing his dad was.
I wish I got chance to say goodbye and tell you one more time how much I loved you.
Payno, my boy, one of my best friends, my brother, I love you mate. Sleep well X
Zayn.
I figured Zayn would likely postpone his tour dates and I’m glad he did.
Niall.
And my beloved Harry.5
All of them got me weepy.
I thought of this clip from Harry’s Zane Lowe interview when Fine Line came out—and of the first time I lost a friend. In high school. It was my birthday and I had a big swim meet. I remember details of that day so vividly.
There were corners of the internet and the fandom that started critiquing the responses to Liam’s death and I had to stop myself from getting in fights in some comments sections.
Absolutely fucking not. We don’t get to tell people how to grieve and Zayn, Louis, Niall, and Harry owe the world nothing on this front. They are not obligated to splay themselves open emotionally, EVER. And certainly not in the wake of a huge loss, regardless of where their relationships stood with Liam. Another thing that is none of our business.
As my friend Robyn says in this TikTok, it’s dystopian and weird.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
But mostly what I saw from the fandom was beautiful and heartbreaking. I wanted to give everybody a hug. I mean, I got earnest on TikTok for god’s sake. Honestly, I might start doing that a bit more.
Obviously, I spend a lot of time in fan spaces, both online and off, where I wouldn’t be considered the target demo. I have never felt anything other than at home because, seriously, age is just a fucking number. But being an elder fangirl does offer a different perspective on just about everything, simply by virtue of having more life experiences.
The friends I have made through my various fandoms are incredibly special to me. Whether we spend one magical night together at a show, know each other casually on the internet, or become incredibly close IRL, woven together by the magic fabric of our dreaming—and everything in between.
I love the generational diversity this brings to my life. I value it deeply. My friends like to say that I will always “find my people” and I think it’s very true. The elder millennials/Gen Xers who embrace the Swiftie or Harrie or Directioner within, the Gen Z/younger millennials who came of age with some of my favorites, and people older than me having the times of their lives at a Joni or Stevie show.
Previously on WHN: 122 Things I’ll Miss About Love On Tour
This is just a sampling of my section besties from some shows this summer. How lucky am I?!?!
Fangirls never grow old, as far as I’m concerned—and they’re damn important to the culture.
I connected (and re-connected) with said people in the wake of this news, as one does during sad times. Yes, the Mom On Tour group chat was fired back up. One thing a fandom6 is going to do is look out for each other. “In da clerb, we all fam”7 but make it earnest, I suppose.
It was the younger Directioners who really had me down bad over Liam’s death.
Young people, and more specifically young women, being superfans of a group or an artist was obviously not new to the 1D generation, but it looked a lot different because the rise of the band was also the era of burgeoning social media platforms like Twitter, Tumblr, and YouTube. Not to mention writing spaces like Wattpad and Archive of Our Own.
I actually can very much imagine what I would have been like had I been a teen at the same time as One Direction’s meteoric rise. I mean, we see how I act now. Please know I would have likely run an update account (or three) and been insanely active on Tumblr and Twitter, while also writing fanfic like it was my job.
We are discussing this time period in class this week with excerpts from Everything I Need I Get From You: How Fangirls Created the Internet As We Know It by Kaitlyn Tiffany—all planned well ahead of last week’s news.
Here are a couple excerpts from the NYT’s review of the book when it came out in 2022. They lay out some of the key ideas I think are very relevant to how we saw people react to Liam’s death.
As the internet culture reporter Kaitlyn Tiffany charts in “Everything I Need I Get From You: How Fangirls Created the Internet as We Know It,” the band’s cultural impact might have been unexceptional were it not for its fans, who built a bizarrely powerful online community featuring subversive fan-fiction narratives, absurdly funny memes and occasionally distressing coordinated campaigns that grew so influential they managed to destabilize “1D” itself.
But the fandom taketh away, and the fandom giveth: Tiffany is at the height of her powers when she is describing, with touching specificity, why it might make sense for a person to invest serious time and money into a bunch of cute boys singing silly love songs. She contextualizes fandom as a culturewide coping mechanism and creative outlet; it can be a lifeline for a lonely and powerless teenager, a site of reflection for a middle-aged mom or a wonderful excuse for anyone to scream into the void. Ten years after she discovered the band, Tiffany’s favorite 1D inside joke — “We took a chonce”; if you know you know — still “smacks me with a lingering hit of dopamine,” she writes, “like a gumball-machine-sticky-hand landing on a windowpane.”
On the internet, fandom can be a route toward cyberbullying a baby, or it can be a way of figuring some things out about yourself. Sometimes, it can even forge a writer as funny and perceptive as Kaitlyn Tiffany.
The community built around 1D (as well as other big artists of that moment like Justin Bieber) was wildly important to a lot of people around the same age as the band and existed very much online, in a way the world had not seen before. It was a lifeline for a lot of people. An outlet for creativity (like the ‘zines of my youth). A place where lifelong friendships were made and literal careers were born.
Fandom can be an extremely beautiful thing at any age, but there is something intensely special about the things and people you fall in love with in your youth.
I wrote a bit about this when Luke Perry died. I’ll never be over that and I know most of my Gen X friends agree. I even wore my Dylan tee to teach class yesterday.
Dylan McKay, I loved you most of all. I always will. And I loved Luke Perry, too. I was 15 years old when the show started, so it's basically like we went to high school together. As I wrote on Twitter earlier, "The love that women my age feel for Luke Perry/Dylan McKay is SO real and started at such a formative time in our lives that this news is truly soul-crushing for so many of us."
Everything just feels MORE when you're a teenager and those imprints stay with you forever. That's why this one hurts so much and cuts so deep. My friend Bonnie likened it to losing a friend from high school and my friend Jenny said, "He will always be a peer in my heart." That's exactly right. It didn't matter that most of those actors were playing younger, they were our friends and they were integral during an important phase of our lives.
This next part gets to the core of it and what I recognized happening once again in another group of people.
There's something about loving someone that deeply (and, yes, mildly fanatically) that changes the composition of your soul forever, especially when it happens as a teenager. And Luke Perry did that for me and so many other people my age. Couple that with the fact that he really isn't that much older than a lot of us, and his death is foundation-rocking. Being faced with your own mortality is never fun, even if it comes from the death of someone you didn't know personally. And it's very much okay to grieve—for your youth, for this person who was important to you, for what he did and does signify in your life, and, of course, for his friends and family.
I'm not ashamed to admit I cried more than a little bit today and you shouldn't be either. Thanks for being so special to all of us, Luke. May you rest in peace.
The youths were breaking my heart over and over again all over social media. Look at these fans who blocked the paps from getting images of Liam’s dad at the hotel in Argentina.
There was a gorgeous togetherness sweeping across various platforms. And humor, because that’s also a must.
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
This one about “going to my big girl job with my little girl sorrow” nearly ended me.
When I talk about taking the “unserious” seriously, it is, in part, because of the very real and tangible things and people fandom can bring into your life.
I also had my students read this post by Luce, the creator of
. It’s actually an excerpt from her new book. I think she’s absolutely incredible and SYSCA is a must follow for me, both here on Substack and on IG.Luce is a brilliant example of turning your passions into your platform and not letting the world tell you the things you care about are silly/don’t matter/won’t take you anywhere, etc. Or that because you love a boy band, you are frivolous. Multitudes, she contains them.
In this post, she lays out how all of her fan behavior equipped her to launch her own incredibly successful venture.
She’s also very attuned to grief, having lost her brother, and I believe she has been a true blessing and guiding light for so many of her Directioner peers over the past week. If you’re looking for a younger perspective on really anything happening in the world, I highly recommend SYSCA.
I loved this cross-gen piece, of course.
I also asked my friend Matt if I could pull some lovely passages from his Facebook post about Liam and the boys and what they’ve meant to him. And no it’s NOT because he talks about me in there, too. But I did feel honored and get weepy.
This, my friends, is what fandom can bring to a person—and what One Direction means to so many in their age range, and beyond.
As an older (although we can argue that identifier) One Direction fan, I remember telling people in college, my first jobs, my general friend groups and "other adults" that I LOVED 1D; they would sort of giggle or look down at the floor and I would reiterate by saying, so seriously, "...I'm not joking, they are one of my favorite bands." No one ever really *got it* but they understood that it was special to me. No, I wasn't the cardboard cutout, magazine clipping, posters all over my room, teenage heart-throb-obsessed version of a fan but I loved their music, I loved their stories, I loved the hysteria and the excitement every time they would be on TV or release a new album/song or go on tour (even though I never got to see them... but we'll get to that). What made One Direction REALLY special, for me, were the memories I got to make because of their music.
I think I can fully blame (and thank, I guess... lol) Matt Collins for PROPERLY introducing me to 1D and being my shameless ride or die for them ever since. Some of my favorite memories were our 12 hour car rides to South Carolina once a month for drum corps absolutely BLARING every One Direction song available to us at the time. We knew every word to every song, who was singing each line and battle each other for who could hit Zayn's crazy high notes! Over the years after drum corps was over, any time something was going on with the boys we were calling each other, learning the new songs and just generally being obsessed with anything they did. Even now, whenever we get a chance to get together, we can guarantee that 1D will make the playlist. We DID have a chance to see them in concert... I had the tickets in my cart for section 114 of Lucas Oil Stadium (yes, I still remember the section) and something I could actually afford at the time, but by the time I realized I wasn't going to be able to confirm with him in time to actually purchase them, I had to let them go. Of course, we were both available so I tried to go back and find new tickets and they were all sold out. Lesson learned: BUY THE TICKET!!!
…In all honesty, Liam's solo career just didn't have the staying power so I moved on... MOST people attached onto Harry pretty tightly but Niall was always my favorite when they were together, primarily because he played the guitar and, like any good early 2000s emo kid, so did I. I say this because it led up to what will go down as one of my greatest memories of my life and something monumental for my 1D journey...
This past year, I met a new but VERY dear friend Abby Gardner during a Kacey Musgraves listening party at our local record store. We were, of course, bonded over the music we were there to listen to first, but after talking we quickly learned that we shared love for Taylor Swift which (naturally) led to Harry Styles and ultimately One Direction. Turns out Abby is a HUGE concert goer and saw Love on Tour 228 times last year (correct me if I'm off on that number Abby...) and one of the biggest Harries I've met up to this point.
Coincidentally, this summer was my self-declared summer of concerts9 so we were talking about who we had tickets to see. I was SO EXCITED to tell her that I was finally going to see Niall Horan for the first time this summer and ...spoiler... so was she! Blah blah blah, we exchanged numbers and agreed to plan it out so we could go together and that was the start of one of best nights of my life; I WAS GOING TO SEE A 1D BOY FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! The day of the concert we thought "Hell with it, let's upgrade our seats!" so we ended up moving from the lawn down to the actual pavilion within about 50 yards of the stage. We had only one thing we TRULY wanted out of the concert... for him to play "Night Changes." When the disco ball came down in the first half of the set and we both knew what was happening, she just hugged me... and I cried. Everything came flooding back from the years and years of following this group that meant so much to me and finally, at 34 years old getting to hear THAT SONG live for the very first time. She's still teaching me so much about the Harry lore and preparing me for (when he's ready) to go see him live on his next tour. We were together for the Zayn release this year, but couldn't make the tour work. And she was the first to tell me about Liam's passing...
If you've made it this far I hope you understand one thing, One Direction was/is special to me. I don't care if you think it's dumb, or childish or just plain weird... their music spoke to me, and has given me some of the best friends and memories I could ever ask for. One Direction will never be the same again. The 4 remaining boys will never get to see their "brother" ever again and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that nothing that happens in the future will ever be the same as what it once was. All of this hurts, and it will continue to hurt for a long time…
"Does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of, disappearing when you wake up, but there's nothing to be afraid of even when the night changes.
It will never change me and you.”
I love you, Matt. Thank goodness we both went to that Kacey listening party at Luna. And no, One Direction won’t be the same, but One Direction is truly forever…quite literally in the friends everyone made along the way. Plus, the good news is that you’ll always be a younger fan than me 😉🙃.
Here are a couple clips from “Night Changes” at Niall’s show this summer at Deer Creek—shakier than my usual shaky because…big feelings.
Maggie Rogers (another of my most favorite artists) did a little tribute to Liam with this song at her show right after he died. It’s fucking stunning.
And a bonus “This Town” clip that can get you right in the nostalgic gut, lyrically speaking.
Before all this happened, I had jotted down a note to write something about Joey Potter, er, Katie Holmes doing Our Town on Broadway and how it made me think of the scene in My So-Called Life. It actually feels even more fitting now to use a clip (and Thornton Wilder’s words) from one of the very best shows of my youth—also gone way too soon—as a way to wrap this up.
I can’t.
I can’t go on. It goes so fast.
We don’t have time to look at one another.
I didn’t realize. All that was going on in life,
and we never noticed.
Take me back – up the hill – to my grave.
But first: Wait! One more look.
Good-by, Good-by, world.
Good-by, Grover’s Corners.
Mama and Papa.
Good-bye to clocks ticking.
And Mama’s sunflowers.
And food and coffee.
And new-ironed dresses and hot baths.
And sleeping and waking up.
Oh, earth, you’re too wonderful
for anybody to realize you.
Do any human beings ever realize life
while they live it? – every, every minute?
Until next time, look out for each other. Enjoy what you enjoy without shame or embarrassment and let others do the same. And ALWAYS go to the show, it just might change your life.
xA
Eras Tour Diary will return next week with full coverage of Miami, the new outfits, surprise songs etc. Meanwhile we continue to manifest for Indy tix that aren’t insanely priced. Universe, do your thing.
My first magazine job was at Jane in the early days and numerous core pillars of all that I am were formed by Sassy before that. Jane Pratt has been foundational to every phase of my career and I’m so grateful to her and lucky to call her my friend.
He’s very good at talking about this topic and this only serves to deepen my crush on this delightful man.
Comments off, of course.
For the newer readers, if you don’t already know a ton about Harry Styles…um, you’re about to if you hang around We Have Notes. To level set, I went to Love On Tour 20 times over the course of that run.
The non-toxic corners, at least. Every large group of people has its bad eggs.
For those of you not on TikTok, this Broad City sound has been trending lately—unrelated to One Direction, etc.
Technically 20. But close enough. I wish it was 22.
Since meeting in the spring we have now seen Niall, Stevie, Post Malone, and Gracie Abrams together. We have Kacey next month in Brooklyn.
oh my god this is perfect and beautiful and I love you so much xxxxxxxx
This is amazing. Thank you for being an incredible voice during challenging times. I know I’ll come back to this over and over for the memories and reminders of what all of this REALLY means to us all. 🫶🏻