These People Try and Save You...'Cause They Hate You
Let's do a little venting and a little dissociating.
Hi.
How are you doing out there in our what’s old is new again hellscape?
I’ve been trying to figure out how to put where I’m at and what I’m feeling into words for a few days. I hyper fixated on Taylor lyric headlines for a while because I was stuck. I will say Folklore, Evermore, and TTPD are rife with lyrics that really hit harder this week.
This isn’t even a full list of those alts.
I’m Miserable and Everyone Totally Knows
Lights, Camera, Bitches Smile. Even When You Want to Die.
Nothing Like a Mad Woman
Every Time You Call Me Crazy, I Get More Crazy
When You Say I Seem Angry, I Get More Angry
Oh, Can We Just Get a Pause?
I’m Just Mad as Hell ‘Cause I Loved This Place
How Much Sad Did You Think We Had?
We’re Definitely Mouthing “Fuck You Forever”
Come Gather with the Coven ‘Round the Sorceress’ Table
Who Do I Have to Speak To, To Change the Prophecy?
A Greater Woman Stays Cool, But I Howl Like a Wolf at the Moon
I Didn’t Have It In Myself to Go with Grace
Look At How My Tears Ricochet
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
You Are What You Did
I Think I’ve Seen This Film Before
Don’t Cater to All These Vipers Dressed in Empath’s Clothing
Saving All My Romanticism for My Inner Life (and All of You)
This Place Made Me Feel Worthless
Let’s Play in the Secret Gardens in Our Minds
We’re On Our Own, Kids. We Always Have Been.
I don’t think I’ve come up with anything super wise or profound, or all that original. But it’s where I am today: sad and deflated and furious and heartbroken and disgusted. And I’m fucking exhausted by this country of ours. I’m all of those things as a 40-something straight white woman with means. I know I’m not even a fraction as exhausted and terrified as so many other people who don’t have the privilege I do.
There’s like a protective coat of numbness over top of all the Big Feelings™ this time around, compared to 2016. The surprise isn’t the same, but in a way the disappointment is deeper and sadder. It’s the sweeping nature of the win, I think.
When we KNOW what a Trump presidency looks and feels like. But this time his campaign was even more hateful, more vindictive, more unhinged, more racist, more sexist, more homophobic, more packed with alarmist lies. Anyone they tried to categorize as the “grownups” (who sold their souls while selling out their party) in his circle back in 2016 is gone. They now publicly call him a fascist. I’m not giving them any passes, simply noting that there are even more hateful nutters in the room than ever before.
The public is also more unhinged and dangerous and hateful, modeling the behavior of their lead a-hole. Young radicalized white men are saying shit like this out loud and without fear or shame. Congrats, everyone! Hope you enjoy your eggs!
This is how real men think and act.
Black college students are being targeted with texts like this and you want to tell me this isn’t about the atmosphere this man has fostered. Obviously racism is built into the foundation of this country, but it’s still unreal how many people voted for this. Nobody gets to claim they didn’t know it would be like this or that somehow this isn’t what America really is. Not in 2024. This is America.
The emotional whiplash of spending last weekend immersed in a Utopian Eras Tour1 haze to Tuesday night was really something. Going from the joyous celebration and safety of collective girlhood (at any age) to a flashing sign that “AMERICA HATES WOMEN” was…
“You say they didn’t do it to hurt me, but WHAT IF THEY DID?” They did do it to hurt us. Full stop. And women in marginalized communities will be hurt more. Everyone in marginalized communities will be hurt more by Project 2025.
Okay, so yes I did get up in a couple comments sections this week. I couldn’t help myself. Even in the depths of grief, I can speak in lyrics. It’s an art 😉.
This is something I wrote in response to someone on a friend’s feed—a friend who welcomes discourse there, I should add, and is one of the smartest, most progressive women I know. Someone (not my friend) had commented something along the lines of "But what if it wasn’t racism and sexism? I know plenty of educated women who voted for him.” I came back with, “Educated women aren’t immune from being sexist or racist. Internalized misogyny is a helluva drug.” She then had the basic retort of oh so you have to vote for a woman or you’re sexist and you can’t just disagree. Even a classic Margaret Thatcher reference *insert eye roll here* thrown in for good measure.
Ma’am this ain’t my first time at the rodeo.
My reply, which sums up just a few of my key frustrations:
I said absolutely nothing of the sort. But it doesn’t surprise me that’s your go-to “defense.” I didn’t support Kamala just because she’s a woman. I’m not that simple-minded. But you are being willfully ignorant if you think her being one wasn’t a huge factor for many in the electorate. It’s also not just about a wildly qualified female candidate up against a rapist who claims people are eating pets. Or the standards she was held to and he was not. White women, once again in huge numbers, voted for someone actively trying to take away their rights. Women’s literal lives were on the ballot. More of us absolutely will die because of what Trump and Vance have planned. And it won’t matter who somebody voted for if they’re bleeding out in a hospital parking lot because a doctor cannot give them proper treatment under the law. Not to mention their belief that I am someone whose opinion should count less in this world because I have chosen not to have children. Do you need me to outline more examples of how misogyny can present itself?
This clip is great and I think filled with a hard truth for some people.
Seth has a very nice list of things Trumpers chose. America, we are so GD embarrassing. This criminal idiot should never have been allowed in the same room as Kamala Harris, let alone run against her.
It’s insane to me that women have to BEG for people to let us keep our basic human rights and OUR LIVES. Still. And beg we did.
Like, how am I using so many relevant quotes from my favorite Ancient Greek play—Lysistrata by Aristophanes—in texts with my friends in 2024?!?! By the way, a bonus post is coming about the 4B movement and how it’s basically modern day Lysistrata.
“What matters that I was born a woman, if I can cure your misfortunes? I pay my share of tolls and taxes, by giving men to the State. But you, you miserable greybeards, you contribute nothing to the public charges; on the contrary, you have wasted the treasure of our forefathers, as it was called, the treasure amassed in the days of the Persian Wars. You pay nothing at all in return; and into the bargain you endanger our lives and liberties by your mistakes. Have you one word to say for yourselves?... Ah! don't irritate me, you there, or I'll lay my slipper across your jaws; and it's pretty heavy.”
Again, I’ve got privilege that many others don’t have, but we’re all fucked and that’s scary. I also happen to be a person who considers those outside of herself. Crazy thought, huh?
(Please know all of these “you” statements in the rants that follow are like the collective “you” of Trump voters and not directed at the majority of the WHN population!!!!)
No candidate is perfect, but if you chose a racist rapist with no moral code or core belief system other than doing everything to serve himself while spewing hate and fear and taking bodily autonomy away from all women. Who considers me less of a person because I’m not a mother, then you can fucking bet I think differently of you.
We had all the evidence we needed about what he is and what he will do. It was a vote for cruelty and against intelligence. Got it. I’m not getting into a fight with you about it. We tried. You failed. It’s just…noted.
Don’t give me religion as an excuse and support this level of hate. And maybe read up on what he’s gonna do with tariffs and how economics works on a basic level before you come at me with some price of eggs nonsense. I know there are people struggling in America. I have enormous empathy for them. We certainly have problems and need earnest debates about how to fix them. But this choice wasn’t that. It’s not about disagreeing over politics. It’s so much more and I think a whole lot of people who claim otherwise know that’s true.
And the rest of us don’t have to hug it out and make anyone feel comfortable with how they voted. If one feels compelled to make a lot of excuses about how one voted so people don’t think one is a piece of shit, that’s not on me. I’m not embarrassed about what I did. It’s very clear a lot of Trump voters don’t feel the same. Ah, just another level of hypocrisy!
I can barely even talk about white male Trump voters. But this lady sums it up.
I am who I am ‘cause you trained me. Also, Scorpio. This is one of my greatest skillsets. We don’t have to bridge the gap.
I’m good. Indifference to someone else’s guilt is an easy thing to do.
I have no plans to walk around spewing hate because ew, that’s not my vibe. I’m not letting these assholes turn me into a person who doesn’t lead with kindness and empathy as much as I possibly can. We don’t need to become doxxers and conspiracy theorists.
But I also have no interest in assuaging the insecurities and guilt of people who voted against my rights and those of my friends—and their own. Again. This isn’t about voting Republican. It’s about voting for HIM.
Sarahs and Hannahs in your Sunday best. I see you. Just know I know and that my sympathy won’t be available when you inevitably get screwed over, too. You think RFK Jr. is going to back decisions about health that are in your best interests? LOL.
My energy will be directed elsewhere, to those who are actively in harm’s way because we couldn’t convince enough of you to see people who are different to you as humans. As well as the communities and friends that welcome and support ME as I am.
“You are what you did” and I think a lot of people are going to live with a whole heap of regret one day. I relate to the part of this Ethel Cain statement about living with the guilt. Others feel this sounds harsh, which is totally cool. You gotta do you. Maybe I’ll feel differently at some point, who knows. I’m gonna go ahead and keep my side of the street clean and my vibes as immaculate as possible.
I’m also not giving that man ALL of my peace and joy this time around.
I’ve heard the same sentiment echoed again and again this week in my conversations with friends. It’s not that I won’t be staying informed or engaged, but I’m not getting on the nervous system roller coaster in the same way.
He feeds on fear and our dysregulation and there’s nothing that deflates a narcissist like ignoring them completely. I mean, we have to pay attention to what the President of the United States does, but I’ll be trying very hard to not get sucked into the social media mania like the last term.
I’m going to try to figure out where I can be of service and what my skills can bring to my communities. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I know whatever it is will be more constructive and helpful than anxiety attacks on the couch while scrolling all day and night for four years.
Listen, I’m all in to help run an Underground Railroad situation in Indiana to help women get the reproductive healthcare they need or stock up on Plan B for anyone who wants it. But also to distract us all with some pop culture nonsense and continue to try to create spaces online and off where people feel safe and comfortable enough to be themselves.
Sidebar: My fellow white ladies who did vote for Kamala, maybe chill with the performative stuff and please don’t be out here trying to defend yourselves, especially in Black and brown women’s spaces. The blue bracelet thing is giving girlboss energy in a way I do not enjoy. If people of color are wary of you because you’re a white woman, that’s fair. As a collective we have not given any of these groups reason to believe we will show up for them. Let your actions and your vibes speak your truth. You don’t need to give the white lady version of “not all men” and be like “but but but loooooook I voted for her.” Good. If it’s not you, maybe just watch the content, take in someone’s perspective and don’t center yourself in the comments or conversation. That’s my two cents anyway.
I was asked to be part of a Marie Claire piece about Election Day, with a woman from each state. I sent this quote to my editor (thanks again Halie!) before 7 PM on Tuesday.
That Planned Parenthood Bans Off Our Bodies tee actually game from the Gracie Abrams show in Nashville in Setpember. I also wore merch socks, because of course I did.
I’m still working on getting the hope back, but it will come. Lights camera b*tch smile, even when you want to die and all that. Showing up for my people and having them show up for me sure helps.
Outside of the election and fear of the future anxiety keeping me up most of Tuesday night, my brain was firing all over the place thinking about my class on Wednesday morning.
“Should I cancel? Will anyone show up? What should I say? What should I not say? I’m not like a teacher teacher am I gonna fuck this up? DAMMIT I WISH I COULD TALK TO MY MOM. She’d have the best mom and teacher advice.”
I put on something I felt was giving Gloria Steinem cosplay slash fashion armor.
I literally put on “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” as I walked from my car to Franklin Hall. That armor was like the thing propping me up and propelling me forward.
As I’ve done all semester, I just went with being extremely me.
About 2/3 of the class was there and I certainly don’t know where all of their opinions about the candidates stand—nor should I. I do know we have a class filled with respectful and thoughtful young people. I let them know we could talk about anything they wanted to, we could just hang out, we could do a work session on their final projects as planned…while also shooting the shit a bit. I talked about grief and the need for grace and space and how anything they’re feeling right now is okay. It IS a weird time and their first experience going through a heated election cycle as young adults old enough to vote. That there are a lot of ways to stay informed while also getting off the social media roller coaster. But that you also need to dissociate sometimes and that’s just fine. And that I was absolutely there for them anytime.
We got into some comfort shows and then we bounced ideas off each other for their projects and just hung out.
I hope they felt better when they left, even if just nominally. I know I did. A few stayed after to talk more and about some specific election-induced situations they were dealing with in their lives. There were some requests for texts of Taylor clips from Indy, which I was happy to provide.
Duh.
Anyway, there’s my rambling state of the state of my addled brain. Feel free to vent away with me in the comments or shoot me a note or DM. If there are things you’d like to see happen here as we move forward, I’m open to all ideas and suggestions.
In the meantime, find joy wherever you can right now. If you’re a big Christmas person and you want to put your decorations up? Fucking do it. Do you need a sneaky cig or feel like a wake n’ bake is going to get you through the next couple days? Smoke ‘em if you got em.
I’m eating a lot of candy (stoner version) and shopping away. Which is actually a good thing to do right now before all the prices go up from tariffs. This post from Amy O’Dell is both really interesting and a great validation of any and all purchases. Or at least that’s how I’m taking it.
Now let’s get on to some distractions.
If you want to channel some anger at a different kind of sociopathic liar…
Anatomy of Lies (Peacock)
This is the story of the Grey’s Anatomy writer who lied about, um, everything in her life. But it starts with faking cancer. It’s a RIDE and a half. I’ve been obsessed with Finchie’s story since it broke in Vanity Fair in May 2022. But the doc adds so many more layers.
This lying maniac did so many self-righteous podcasts about her “cancer” that it almost feels like she participated in the doc with all the footage. But you also hear from some Grey’s colleagues and the poor woman who she emotionally tortured with more lies. After they met in a mental health facility. Where Finchie was because she said she had PTSD from the aftermath of the mass shooting at the synagogue in Pittsburgh. She claimed she had to go and get her friend’s remains who died there. That turned out to be a thing she never did, so no she didn’t have PTSD. Oh and she checked in under the name of a Grey’s character. Jen was there because she had been through tremendous trauma and abuse. It’s hard to watch her at times (if you have humanity), but fascinating all the same. I was worried she wasn’t emotionally stable enough at times to handle it. But boy were her kids incredible.
If you haven’t already watched, get on it.
If you want to watch another insanely competent and brilliant woman fight the patriarchy…
Martha (Netflix)
Martha Stewart is such a baller.
This doc is filled with banger quotes and levels of unbothered I aspire to. I also really enjoyed the old Hard Copy clip (what a throwback!) and the use of “These Are Days”.
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If you want to remember there are sill people who don’t default to hatred and othering when someone is not what they expected …
Will & Harper (Netflix)
I’ve been meaning to put this into the newsy for weeks, but this feels like the time it was supposed to be here.
Obviously, it is not a hot take to say that this doc is beautiful, as is Will and Harper’s friendship. But also it serves as a reminder about how unsafe people in marginalized communities already feel in America. It’s about to get even scarier. Those of us with privilege must show up for those who have less of it in ways that are not about centering ourselves. If there’s something you don’t understand about someone else’s lived experience, you can ask questions and learn in loving and supportive (and sometimes hilarious) ways.
Oh man, the Kristen Wiig-penned song from the end hits even harder now. From the first moment I heard it at the end of the doc, I’ve thought it should win the Oscar.
Might I interest you in a cult that’s not the terrifying one about to take control of the government…
Breath of Fire (Max)
Vanity Fair is back with another docuseries based on piece originally from the magazine. KEEP LONG FORM JOURNALISM ALIVE, PEOPLE! I was very into Hayley Phelan’s “The Second Coming of Guru Jagat” when it was published in 2021. I had no idea the Kundalini yoga world was so fucked up, but was not surprised.
I’ve been fairly riveted by the first three eps out on Max now.
If you want to have some fun and also maybe cry a little, but in a cool way…
Las Culturistas with Ariana Grande
I listened to this Wednesday night and it brought me a heaping dose of much-needed joy.
Ari is so smart and funny and it’s great when she gets to show that off. There are so many heartwarming moments too. I just love Matt and Bowen so much.
A related addendum to this category would be Wicked press clips. When I’m telling you I cry at so many of them. They’re beautiful and I actually think the timing of the movie’s release is going to help so many people. My friends who have seen it are raving.
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If you want to think about silly fun bros and not incels and Rogan/Musk stans…
Normal Gossip with Josh Gondelman
I talk about this show all the time, but my goodness is it perfect for this moment. Josh is just one of the best. His previous guest spot is also fabulous.
Get thee to the catalog and have so much fun. I love a re-listen so if you have been there, done that, revisit some of your faves. Here are some old eps I adore.
If you want to celebrate one of the great female comedic actresses of all time watch…
Mr. Mom
Teri Garr’s Caroline Butler in Mr. Mom made a huge impression on me and so many other Gen X girlies. (Not to mention all our Michael Keaton feelings.)
Who wouldn’t be thrilled to have themselves this way? And by Francis Ford Coppola no less.
If you want to listen to a beautiful teaser of a song that comes out next week…
This Olivia Dean clip made me smile.
If you haven’t checked her out yet, you are in for so many treats. Her voice is stunnnnnnnnning. That tone!
If you’re in the market for some emotional support Taylor clips…
As mentioned, a farewell to Eras (SOB!) post is in the works with Indy moments woven in but I dropped some here too. Let me just say it was everything and I regret not a singular dollar spent. My city did me proud. (The state as a whole is another matter.)
I do wish my joke about it being “the last good weekend in America” as a reason to overspend wasn’t so real. But, I will say rewatching concert clips has been very helpful to me this week.
N1
Happy Abby!
Kam’s WANEGBT ad-lib was midwest perfection.
This transition never fails to hit hard.
And the knee drop.
From one red lip classic to another.
If you want to start every day scream singing “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”, it wouldn’t be the worst idea.
Try. And Come. For. My. Job.
The surprise songs built over the three nights in a way that told me I was absolutely supposed to be there each time. We kicked it off with some emotional bangers and then just went next level by Sunday. But I’ll get into that more in the Eras post.
🎸: “The Albatross” x “Holy Ground”
🎹: “Cold As You” x “Exile”
N2
How’d I end up on the floor anyway? Guess you’ll have to wait and see.
Yes, because journalism I recorded Travis’s entrance when I realized he was behind my section. I also said, “We don’t cheer for Chiefs in this house” even thought nobody around me felt the same.
🎸: “The Prophecy” x “This Love”
🎹: “Maroon” x “Cowboy Like Me”
Byeeeeeee.
N3
My heart. Take me back 🥹 The last great American Eras everything…
🎸: “Cornelia Street” x “The Bolter”
I JUST…
🎹: “Death by a Thousand Cuts” x “The Great War”
I MEAN…
Until next week, take care of yourselves and each other. Dance it out. Buy whatever you want. Dissociate as healthily as possible.
xA
There are some emotional support clips I took from all three shows later here but I’m working on a larger farewell to Eras post that will have lots of Indy stuff.
Just ❤️💔. So happy for this hug of words and to read that someone I appreciate so very much is feeling the same is just much needed magic.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
That's all I got. I know you feel me.