Hellllllllllo (said in a raspy concert voice that I’m going to miss so so much!)
‘Tis I, your friendly nomadic pop culture obsessive—just back from a gorgeous week+ in SoCal doing so many of the things I love most with friends old and new. To quote the British man himself, “I’m on the comedown speed” and, frankly, I don’t love it. But I’ll survive—and dare I say continue to thrive.
Despite heaps of evidence to the contrary, I realize this is not, in fact, a Harry Styles (or Taylor Swift) newsletter. Or is ittttttttttt?!?
And while I’ve still got a ton of reflecting and processing to do about this crazy ride I’ve taken myself on, I would be remiss not to do a lil bit of that here today…perhaps in the hope that you will all be able to find a version of this joy to bring into your own lives. Or to draw the lines I like to draw between pop culture and our true, internal selves. Eh, maybe you just want a view into the mind of a manic madwoman?!?
Unhinged and on brand. Always.
I hope you’ll indulge my Scorpio narcissism for a few (I mean, or not…feel free to delete this STAT!) with more of an essay format this week. I sort of can’t help myself and isn’t that why we create our own platforms anyway?!?
This is more the type of thing that might usually fall into paid subscriber content, but fuck it…I’m going to get earnest on main. If this is your first time reading, uh, welcome + please come back for more variety!!!
Since Love On Tour was finally able to get going in the back half of 2021, I have had the absolute pleasure of being in that magical space 19 times. I got to see so many incarnations of this show: the Fine Line one when we didn’t even know a new album was already recorded and he was wearing suspenders and giving the ass/face speech, the European stadium one post-Harry’s House release where he busted out the new custom Gucci and the Satellite Stompers, and the American residencies where the brilliant horns section debuted live. Plus, I got to see so many amazing openers: Orville Peck, Madison Cunningham, Jenny Lewis, Mitski, Blood Orange/Dev Hynes, Jessie Ware, Ben Harper, Wet Leg, and Madi Diaz.
The world opened back up and I did too, in ways like never before. I feel so grateful and lucky to be part of this amazing community. It’s saved and changed my life in a million ways I won’t even be able to get into here.
More than one person has asked if going to the concert is as exciting every single time and the answer is a resounding YESSSSSSS for me. If you’ve ever been with me in the hours and minutes leading up to a show, you know the anxious, excited energy I have never dwindles. That intro music (the 2021 one and the 2022/23 one) will never not make me feel like I’m about to throw up—in a cool way. The vibes in the room are unique to each night and that’s to say nothing of Harold’s banter…which is baby or daddy or a combo 🥵🥵🥵, depending on the moment. (Honestly, will never get over the “He’s our dad, but you’re our daddy” sign and his “Jesus Christ” response. Because, yeah. All of that.)
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Looooooved this from Mr. It’s My Birthday and I’m Feeling Myself, too.
As a teenage Deadhead, I fantasized of a life on the road with a community of people who were all on the same vibration. Even if Jerry hadn’t died when I was 19, I don’t think my type-A school nerd overachiever would have actually done it. But those lil Midwest summer tour runs were everything to me. There’s a reason Almost Famous resonates deep in my soul.
Band Aid Life 4EVER. Just don’t be like one of the new girls: Always use birth control and don’t eat all the steak.
I don’t think I could have EVER guessed that at this point in life, I’d be doing a version of that all over again…finding a whole new sparkly troupe of strangers who aren’t really strangers. Yet, here we are. The irony is not lost on me that back then, I was the young person walking into a well-established fan lifestyle and now I’m the older person, sort of doing the same. My therapist says she thinks there’s a layer of adolescent healing underneath it all and I absolutely agree.
At my core, I’ve always been a pretty intense, obsessed weirdo. But I didn’t always feel comfortable presenting myself as such. I wanted to be “cool” and popular and for boys to like me and fit in and do the right thing and be the best at whatever I was doing and have the “perfect” job and not make waves and never cause problems or come off like there was anything I couldn’t handle…and and and and and. This is not to say that I wasn’t happy or didn’t have fun—but when I think about it now, I was always suppressing and holding myself back, even subconsciously. When you weave in the complex, always-changing, at times oppressive effects of the profound grief I felt when my mom died in 2014, it was truly like I was moving through the Swamps of Sadness with no end in sight.
It was like this:
And now it’s more like this (you know, with an occasional bout of low-grade depression/mild menty B…because who among us doesn’t go there?!? We’ve all still got isssssssueeeessss.)
And the vibe shift is not just because of a “borderline” (LOL!) unhealthy obsession with a 29-year-old British man who loves sparkles and fruit and edging. Therapy, healing, grief camp, moving back to Indy, age, experience, friends and family who love me unconditionally, the right amount of THC, We Have Notes in all its forms, self acceptance and love, so many things played into this space.
There was a time when that made me feel like I was drowning in regret about why I didn’t choose this option over that one, what would have happened if I tried to write the way I REALLLLLLLY wanted to back when I was a hungry 20-something, if I’d not been hung up on that ex forever, if I’d figured this all out sooner, etc.
No more of that babyyyy. When you low-key stop giving a shit about the perception of yourself, you become more yourself, more cool, more popular, more successful even.
I always say that being at a Harry show makes me feel like I’m both outside of my body, yet never more myself. Whenever I’m going with a first-timer (a true joy for me!!!!) and they ask about what to wear or what it’s gonna be like, etc, I quote the line he says a variation of each night: “I want you to be whoever you’ve always wanted to be in this room tonight.” That energy is palpable at every show and it has truly, completely altered how I choose to live every day. It is the safest space to feel every feeling and know that people have your back. You CAN take it with you as you emerge from the building leaving a trail of feathers behind.
I also worked hard to get here, internally and externally. I know I’m very privileged in a million ways that I didn’t do a single thing to earn. But others, I made happen. To finally get to a career spot where I feel happy and secure, but also lucky enough to have that dope day job be remote—allowing me a freedom that I know others don’t have. Then to carve out my own creative outlets and spaces to make sure my brain feels fulfilled. I’m absolutely, wildly comfortable and at peace with the fact that I don’t have children and am about as single as one could be. That wasn’t always true and sometimes life just turns out a certain way—and you can choose what you want to do with that.
When you’re in your 40s and you don’t have kids and you work remotely doing something as solitary as writing, it’s not always the simplest thing to make new friends and, frankly, I didn’t always want to. (I am an extroverted introvert, after all.) I’ve been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life already and I think one thing I know about myself is that I’ve always been a good friend—a sometimes messy, not always easy, loud, overtalking, opinionated one, sure, but I know I show up. Scorpio loyalty runs deep. I could never have imagined how much more full my life was about to become.
It turns out, when you let yourself be who you truly are, you will attract the most amazing people into your orbit. Funny that, huh? Honestly, it started brewing back when I first started doing this newsletter about five years ago, grew with the podcast, and by fully embracing and letting the world know the fangirl I’ve always, always been.
I have had the opportunity to meet so many amazing people through shared fandoms and on this tour—people that otherwise would not have been in my life. Of all ages. I love my Gen X and elder millennial Harries (and Swifties) so much and you all know I want to be the leader of this cult within the cult. (Again: self-important Scorpio narcissism and need to bend others toward one’s will.) The joy of being able to take these friendships that I hold dear from text/DM to real life is something I do NOT take for granted. And they have deepened well beyond our shared pop culture obsessions. We talk about all the things in our lives. But it’s also really, really excellent to have people you know you can get SUPER weird with and have faith they will understand—and not attempt to put you in an institution.
Coven of Psychos, with Stevie as our witness and goddess on high, may our ranks and bonds grow ever stronger each year.
Then, there are my tour babies as I’ve taken to calling them. Another freeing thing that happens as you get further into your 40s is that the frequency you get asked if you’re going to have kids/why you don’t slows. Maybe someday everyone will just butt the fuck out no matter how old you are…but societally, we sure aren’t there yet.
I’ve always loved kids and been pretty great with them. I am lucky to have a lot of them in my life who I love and who love me back tenfold. You don’t have to be a mother for any of those things to be true or deeply fulfilling.
I adored coaching swim team and teaching lessons as a teen lifeguard. Everyone knows I would murder for any of my nephews or my friends’ littles (and not-so littles). When I started volunteering at Experience Camp years ago, I unlocked a whole new level that I’ve talked about often either here or on my socials: Camp Mom. A cool one, duh. It is an honor and a privilege to be an important adult figure in the lives of my grief camp girlies and I love them with my entire being.
I didn’t expect this newest title either, but I cannot EXPRESS to you how much I live for it: Tour Mom. I think I have achieved my truest form—and ofc I’m not a REGULAR tour mom.
Obvs, the fan base at a Harry Styles show is made up of large numbers of young people, especially women. They are smart and gorgeous and kind and expressive and chic and creative and joyful and thoughtful and welcoming. The energy they bring to the show, in ways both big and small, is immeasurable and infectious. We can talk to each other as peers about the Easter eggs of the fandom and we’ll totally understand the reference or the quote that nobody else in our lives will. But I also love to chat with them and hear their stories and cry and laugh and sparkle together. See also: lots of hugs. I didn’t used to be a person who would go to concerts solo, or frankly chat with strangers anywhere because I was being cool or something?
Thankfully, I haven’t missed out on these gems. The tales of best friend groups being made because of their shared love of H, the pure emotion spilling from their pores as the music plays, the freedom with which they dress and sing and live. It’s a beautiful thing to behold and I am ever grateful so many of them have welcomed me into their worlds. They do, in fact, keep me young.
I also feel deeply protective of them and compelled to make sure they are safe and taken care of at all times. I won’t get into every story, but I can’t tell you the number of buddies I have in my phone as INSERT NAME from HSLOT INSERT CITY, etc. Or all my IG friends. Like, the sweeties I met after arriving at LAX who named our group chat “Mom on Tour” while I was back in Cali and they were at school. (Yes, I will go to the arena during the day to get that exclusive merch for you. ALWAYS.) Hannah, Taylor, Emma, and Hailey: I love you so much and cannot WAIT until we can be at a show together again. Din and drinks on me. See also: an upcoming ep of the pod which we are working to schedule where you can hear all about being a Harrie from the youths themselves. (Speaking of bridging generations, this week’s WHN pod features a convo with my fab friend Alexis DiResta and her awesome 7th grade daughter Violet, who has so many amazing insights and a real hot Gen Z take on Brian Krakow vs. Jordan Catalano!)
Or there are the sweet teens I found crying in my hotel lobby in Chicago, after said hotel had trapped my car during the marathon, a sitch that not that long ago would have sent me into an uncontrollable spiral of rage, anxiety, and stress. I helped them get their separate issues sorted, chatted by phone with one of their moms, and made sure they were going to eat and text me later that all was well post-show. And you know what, in the pit at Harry’s birthday show…one of them ran up to hug me when she spotted me dancing near her screaming “IT’S ME ONE OF THE CRYING GIRLS FROM THE HOTEL IN CHICAGO!'“ That’s right, we found each other again in Palm Springs.
(Also, she might be my brow daughter. And I know I have lipstick on my teeth but that feels more authentic lol. I always have LOYT, dubbed such by my friend’s mom when we were kids. She, too, loves a bold lip and would say, “Girls just say, LOYT, if you see it. I’ll know you mean you have ‘lipstick on your teeth.’” We all still use the phrase to this day.)
These are the kinds of full circle moments that have made the HSLOT experience so deeply special to me. And, of course, all the fun and the dancing and the music and the scream singing and the TRAVEL!!!!!!!! I also don’t hate that they think I look like Drew Barrymore, one of my very own Gen X queens.
My friend Lara (who takes AMAZING tour photos that you can buy!!!!) said I should start handing out badges and I am not NOT vibing with this idea. I am only half-kidding when I say I am workshopping two names.
Why not put it to a poll?
I also feel that it’s very important for young people, and especially for me…young women, to see that there are so many different ways to be a happy, successful, fulfilled adult with a rich life. One way is not better than another, it’s just that if you are a person who doesn’t want to get married or have kids or whatever…there’s an awesome version of a life out there for you. You don’t even have to know what you want yet, just that the choices and the happiness and the love exist in a million different forms. I’m just one, but I hope to be a pretty decent role model. (I do, in fact, give out my number for writing and career advice too.)
I love when they realize they don’t have to stop going to see their favorite singers and bands (over and over and over again) when they reach a certain age.
NONSENSE, I SAY!
All of my bebes teach me so much, and I hope I can do the same and that my experiences can help guide them as they explore their own futures. And yes, I will always ask them to text me when they get home.
On this magical mystery tour, I have found myself becoming more kind (TPWK, yo!), patient, expressive, carefree, loving, happy, peaceful, spontaneous, creative, efficient, and relaxed. Just to name a few. It’s keeping me young AF too.
(Did being in the presence of that witch and all that youthful estrogen at The Forum cause me to start my period five days early…AGAIN? Like in Milwaukee. During the show. Yes, yes it did and I’m sorry if that’s TMI for you. But period talk should not be off limits in this world. While I do not want kids, my body is just saying STILL TECH AVAIL and I’m okay with that.)
I don’t identify as my age and you don’t have to either. That’s not to say I’m ashamed of it, I’m very much not. But who needs to be put in a fucking box? Well, unless you’re Harry Styles being rolled underneath the stage.
Obviously, I still have bad days and I can’t say I never care what anyone thinks about me, I do. But I’m less anxious and angry and snippy and stressed in general.
Sidebar: Yes, yes, yes I’m going to work on a book idea about all of this. For real. The great author/one of my nearest and dearest, Tia Williams, insists upon it. She said something so perfect that I don’t think she will mind me sharing and that is that “if something extraordinary happens to you, and you’re a writer, it’s a CREATIVE GIFT.” It should be treated as such. She’s very right and other friends whose writing I deeply admire/am jealous of have agreed that it is a must. So it shall be. Maybe I’ll finally follow through on this one! No, I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH ON THIS ONE.
Anyway, I have rambled on far longer than I expected—but that’s truly a Gardner genetic trait, so….I won’t really apologize. I will fully admit that I wish there was a way I could make the upcoming Australian tour leg happen because I haven’t been to that fabulous country since I studied abroad there and a very dear friend is now located in Sydney. But even I know that’s crazy, so instead I’ll focus on when the hell I’m getting to Europe this summer and for which shows. (If you have a line on Slane Castle tix, hit a sister up!)
Plus, I’ve got Janet Jackson, Taylor, and Dead & Co already lined up…and that’s pre-Beyoncé’s latest announcement.
To sum things up, in more words from one of the greatest writers of our time, Taylor Alison Swift: “Make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it. You’ve got no reason to be afraid.”
Being on your own is great, kid. But it doesn’t mean you’re alone.
And always, always, always go to the show if you can. It might just change your life.
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Oh, and…Special Edition
I would just like to add that on Wednesday night—Harry’s 29th birthday—I was in the pit dancing my ass off as I do in my bells + Stevie Nicks tee + wild mane of hair—and THAT MAN looked so directly into my eyes for a NOT SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, it’s just a real wonder I’m even alive right now.
My friend wasn’t standing near me at the time but witnessed this from a ways over and when she came back to where I was standing (dumbstruck), I was like “Ummmmmm” and she jumped in with, “Holy shit, are you okay? That was so intense” at which point I knew that I had not invented this situation in my head. I thought maybeeeeeee we had a moment the night before because my seat was in the third row right in front of one of his catwalks but I wasn’t convinced. This was so fucking real, I’m still highly unwell. She says she saw his eyes find me again another time and I’ll just go ahead and take that at face value. I think the one time already altered my DNA.
But, guys, it was like in the movies when a ghost or spirit (or fruit witch) possesses someone’s body. I couldn’t eat properly until well more than 24 hours later.
It’s definitely not the same as it was. Take me back to the light. He’s so golden. I felt like I was just doing cocaine in his kitchen AND spinning out waiting for him to pull me in or cause trouble up in hotel rooms. He definitely made me happier, baby. Sorry, I’ll stop.
BTW, in case you didn’t see, this is what he was wearing when said spiritual experience happened. Help.
Until next week, when we’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming, I’ll be watching Pamela Anderson’s new Netflix doc, the Hulu show The Watchful Eye, last week’s ep of The Last of Us that had everyone going apeshit but really sounds kind of like a low-rent version of what the entirety of Station Eleven did masterfully every ep, and Housewives. And a paid sub post will be coming at you too.
It’s also the calm before the Beyoncé storm, as we don’t even know who got codes yet for presale. Take deep breaths while you still can. You’ll be okay. I’m only sorry I didn’t get my hybrid ticket therapy/consultancy up and running. But I am here to help.
Thanks again for indulging me and coming along for the ride this week and every week. I’m super grateful for you all—and that curly-haired one too.
Long live the fangirls.
xA
Sheeeesh 😭🥺🫠🥰
ABBY MY HEART I AM FRAGILE
Also 3/4 through this read I’m like “wait is this prologue 1st draft??”