She's in a Mooooooooooood
Welcome to the ranting corner. Plus: Vanderpump Rules, miscellaneous Housewives musings, and the...weird world of fringe orthodontia? Yep, that's a thing.
Hello friends.
I am back once again.
ICYMI, yesterday’s tome of a post was all about a guy I like a little bit who turned the big 3-0. I think he’s pretty cute and might really have a shot at making it big one of these days. If only he’d come out of his shell.
I may have mentioned him a time or 47 million around here.
No paywall, natch. We must not gatekeep the Fruit Witch during the week of his birth. TPWK + all. (She says as she’s about to go on a whole ass rant about something else…)
Please enjoy if you are into such things.
On the Occasion of Harry Styles Turning 30 🥝🍒🍉🍌🍓🍋🍇🕺✨
Breaking down the eras + nicknames of our beloved British Fruit Witch and favorite Aquarian.
Anyway, thank you to everyone who already read those ramblings—or any of my ramblings for that matter, including this one. I loved all the notes and texts and DMs I got. Both from my Coven of Psychos and those of you who learned a lil something about Harry Styles—and how my brain works and what sort of b-a-n-a-n-a-s information it holds. All that stuff really does sit in there. Like, I don’t have to look it up. It feels like a gift and a curse.
I loved hearing what stuck out to you normies and watching some of you fall under the spell of Frat Boy Harry, who you’d not me before. I said to one of my friends that I LIVE for those kinds of conversations and interactions and that is not hyperbole. It’s the most fun and one of the reasons I love writing WHN, in general.
Thanks for coming to play with me. You guys are the best. And so is this photo that Anthony Pham (one of Harry’s tour photographers) posted yesterday for H’s big day.
My initial reaction was simply: bye. That holds up after multiple viewings.
7000+ words is not nearly enough for me on the topic of him, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than most of you have ever desired in your lifetimes.
So, we’ll move on. Until next time.
My mood really did get a boost yesterday from all that fun and I’m so glad for it because I’ve been CRANKY. The sun literally shone for the first time in what felt like a month, too. That also helped and I chalked it up to some Stevie/Harry birthday witch sorcery. So, thanks you two.
(Okay, I’m really going to try my best not to mention him again today.)
And I just had a v. good phone call this afternoon about something that has me jazzzzzzzzzed. I can’t wait until I can share more.
Plus, I scored Joni tickets. No thanks to Ticketmaster continuing to be the worst and sending my body into that very particular fight or flight that comes with trying to catch those blue dots before they disappear.
Okay…maybe I need to turn this frown upside down. I GET TO SEE JONI FUCKING MITCHELL AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE?????
Until I get that sorted…what’s all the cranky all about?
Unfortunately a lot of it is related to another of my faves, one Taylor Alison Swift. But none of it is HER fault or because of anything she did.
It’s all the other people. Ugh.
The Grammys are coming this weekend and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a huge night for Taylor. That’s excellent. I think all the other *waves hand* stuff has overshadowed the music and her skills and her genius. That’s one of my biggest gripes. I think it’s so GD reductive to put so much focus on her love life. Always have, no matter who she’s dating. Not that I don’t care about such things, but the rest of it has always mattered so very much more.
Midnights is not my number one Taylor album, but it’s a darn good one and I don’t think there’s any chance she goes home empty-handed. The Grammys have generally always loved Taylor and she’s coming off the biggest year in her professional life. Haylor (oops!) going back-to-back with Album of the Year would be dope—for the Children of Divorce, at least. (She also won for Folklore in 2020 and I def would have rioted it that one didn’t win.)
But I think SZA has a great chance to take AOTY and it would be incredibly deserved. I could also see a curveball boygenius win, which would not upset me in the least. We’ll know soon enough and one thing’s for certain and it’s that a lot of people will be big mad, no matter what the outcome. This is the life cycle of the Grammys. Year after year.
I’ve got enough other stuff to be irritated about and I’ll be psyched for whoever grabs the big trophies. Seriously. (I also realize I’m FULL of contradictions!)
I’ll be the Taylor standing up and cheering for whoever wins. If I even watch the whole show lol. I’ve been so off awards stuff lately. But I always say that one of my favorite things about Blondie is how she will dance and vibe for every performer. And cheer loudly when people win. She’s supportive AF. Anyone who “knows” her has been deeply unsurprised by her active fandom at a football game.
PS: That’s also how MOST of fans of teams behave. I’m much more insane. In person and in my apartment. It’s sometimes (read: usually) best that I watch big games alone—unless I’m there in person. I’m a girl who literally broke her foot watching a Colts playoff loss while home alone, requiring surgery.
Taylor going to football games and having a blast supporting her boyfriend is by no means wherein my irritation lies. I will defend her with all of my eldest daughter/big sister/Scorpio energy on those fronts. And I apparently might have to go to battle with MAGA conspiracy losers again too? Jesus.
I hate that anything Swiftie-adjacent is making me ornery. And I know it’s a me problem. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I must live my truth. That world is usually one of my happiest places. In my happy places there is also a lot of crying. We prefer it that way.
And yet, here I am…constantly irked as a Swiftie and a football fan. This is not news to anyone who reads this space regularly, follows me on IG, or has to hear me go on about it IRL or in a text thread. I also know that I’m not totally alone in a lot of these feelings—and I love hearing from our lil minority opinion block
Again, none of this ire is directed at Taylor herself. Or even Travis.
Though I have not changed my personal position on that unattractive-to-me himbo or his family. They all still get a big ass eye roll from me and that was happening long before TnT1 content took over the world. He’s not my cup of tea, never ever was, never ever will be. I also find the Chiefs exasperating, as a football and Colts fan. That’s just pure “sports hate” and annoyance at a team that isn’t my own is winning like that season after season. It doesn’t have to make sense, it just is.
But they seem super happy and I would never not want her to be happy. That’s always been true. I’m not a monster. And I know many of you enjoy all of these things. I do try to just dip out when I start getting super snippy and go sit in my contrarian corner because I don’t LIVE to be a person who yucks someone’s yum. Even though I do it sometimes.
Know that I do feel bad inside and…
Honestly, Taylor and Travis are the two people being the most “normal” in all this lunacy. Just living as they wish to live—as it should be.
Intrusive thought alert: Man, you all are really getting a full Abby™ experience this week. But I guess that’s why I created this space for myself…to obsess and to rant. Please don’t leave me if you love this couple. Much like I do endless social posts and stories online, just skip on by and curse me in your head. It’s all good.
For anyone new to football, the two weeks between the AFC/NFC Championships and the Super Bowl2 are always a bit of a nightmare in terms of beating storylines to death. This is next level, though.
Everything is so embarrassing. It has been this way for months now, but my lord. It feels like two of my favorite things are being tainted by others. I realize that makes me sound extremely territorial, but it’s the truth. I never want to be all gatekeeper-y, but I’m especially protective of Swiftie-dom because those of us who’ve been here forever? Well, we’ve been through a lot of battles. We don’t regret them at all.
But…
The opportunism around it all is just too much for me. And as I’ve said before the broken business model of media and clicks is huge part of the problem. I’ve already screamed my screams enough about the NFL too.
Disgusted Sofia has been really busy™ in my IG Stories.
Of course, there are going to be cultural discussions around the current biggest pop star on the planet dating one of America’s most famous athletes (and he WAS properly famous before). I’m a part of that. I have a freaking pop culture Substack and fangirl is a core part of my entire personality.
But this hellscape is NOT IT.
By Tuesday, I think my 2 1/2 year-old nephew could have explained the timing of Taylor traveling from her final Tokyo show to Vegas for the game. (She does have the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever and not go…not that I think she would or should do that. But the LOLs!) Did this many people really not understand how time zones work internationally and how planes fly? Also, Swifties do that kind of work in our sleep…and HAD already done it months ago.
Too many people are co-opting my fandom. I don’t like it. So there. Am I the asshole? Perhaps.
But I say, give us back our fandom, it was ours firssssssssssst.
t’s like how you can talk shit about your own family, but nobody else better try it. We do OUR things and have OUR language and I don’t want a bunch of bozos looming around trying to make them their own (and mangling it all terribly) when they actually aren’t fans at all. Real ones can stay. And that doesn’t mean you have to be hardcore. Just be genuine and not clout-chasey. Please and thank you.
How are you out here trying to play our numbers games and whiffing on Brock Purdy (the Niners QB) wearing the number 13?!?
Sidebar: I love that my guy Tyrese Haliburton (rising NBA superstar and Indiana Pacer) is repping for his college bestie. This is sports bro-dom I enjoy. It does exist! In many forms!
So many of the jokes are deeply cringe to a Swiftie like me, but credit where due when they’re good! Of course, my #1 late night host got it right.
Common Seth Meyers W here.
Sidebar: This tweet also amused me, as a Deadhead Swiftie. Next week’s ticket stress will come in trying to get tix to the Dead & Co3 residency at the Sphere, which was officially announced this week. Send the good vibes (even as mine are piss poor right now lol).
Though…there really aren’t THAT many cutaways to Taylor. I think all the other coverage makes it feel like more and it’s really not crazy different than stuff we’ve seen before when famous people go to sporting events. And it’s never happening when the game is actually going on. Nobody’s missing plays for a shot.
I came of age in the Spike Lee v. Reggie Miller era. Or think Jack at a Lakers game. Anyway, I’ve always got her back on that shit. But I would just like to see Bob throughout the game too.
The breathless swooning INSIDE the fandom is a lot for me to handle, as well. I really do think this would be true if I was personally into Travis. Sure, I’d be less annoyed by it to a degree, but I truly cannot with the “OMG HE SAID THEY BLOCK OUT THE NOISE THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING A HUMAN MAN HAS EVER DONE FOR A WOMAN. GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES OR I WILL DIE. HE TOUCHED HER ARM THEY MUST BE SECRETLY ENGAGED” of it all.
Maybe that’s the hardened side of Scorpio in me. But I do truly love love. I don’t do great with corny, though.
Be into the romance! That’s cool! But setttttttttttle down. All of this bluster also feeds into the pressure on the relationship itself, the thing that’s got everyone all twisted up and losing their minds. You might be making it harder for your favorite couple to last and I don’t think that’s what anyone wants. Including me! They should be together as long as they are happy, just like non-famouses.
Like, it’s pretty freaking normal to hang out with your boyfriend’s friends and family—and the girlfriends do typically go down on the field after a championship win. Tay and Trav are not unique “pet names”. It’s quite literally his IG handle and everyone has called her Tay for years. We don’t need 3290902 stories and posts about that.
Famous people say things like “blocking out the noise” because A: it’s something they do need to do and B: it’s a pretty easy, PR-friendly way to not get into the details of your relationship. As they have every right to do. But, like, he’s also a podcaster so….he does feed the beast a bit, which they don’t seem to have a problem with right now. It makes the media cycle more intense, though.
Again, these are the two people operating like pretty normal humans—if in abnormal circumstances. Everyone else has lost their shit. NOT in a cool way.
I do understand that they look very cute (even if I don’t think HE is cute)!! As a curly girl myself, I love when she lets her hair do its natural thing. LOVE. See? I’m not all fire and brimstone! Maybe we can stop trying to read famous people’s lips all the time, though?
Okay, rant almosssssttttt over. But I cannot let this go unsaid.
The nails. The nails were bad, guys. And we have to be able to admit that.
Curls? Fantastic, as previously stated. Outfit? Fab. She’s been killing gameday almost every week. I have a few notes, but I’ll keep those to the group chat. Makeup? Perfection, as always. Nails? Absolutely upsetting. The color, the shape, all of it.
(And nails are a big deal in Swiftology.)
I immediately blamed the Lady Mahomes.
Selena or Gigi or Blake would never have given a thumbs up to what was happening on Sunday. Taylor is a short nail girlie and I’d like her to stay in that space. I can’t take nail miscues along with all of this other business.
Thank god we know those babies will have to be cut short again sooner rather than later, because…guitar, tour, shows. I think this is 100p the worst they’ve ever looked when she’s had length (which is not common) and I believe in my own self-appointed authority here as a former beauty editor.
Now, I’m not delulu enough to think the end of the football season is going to squash all coverage of Taylor and Travis as a couple. This is just life now.
I would assume he’ll be joining the tour. Great! Have fun! They should live their lives and be happy. Maybe it will settle a bit at least in terms of the full-on blanket coverage. I was thinking the “she’s ruining football” morons would at least simmer down, but now the right-wing lunatics are in the mix in the dumbest and loudest ways possible. And there’s a ton of crossover idiocy there. Balls.
Will some usually not-that-annoying people out in the world get a lil less breathless after the Super Bowl is over and they go back to their own regularly scheduled lives and programming?
A girl can dream.
But it should hopefully lessen how very often this ding dong is forced into our feeds as if she is some sort of style maven or someone anyone cares about on her own. I know even MORE of you are with me on this front—even if you’re shipping hard.
Okay, enough about that. (LOL enough might have been 8 paragraphs ago, but I’m nothing if not consistently passionate and wordy.)
While we’re throwing a stone or two, I’d like to also tell Justin Timberlake to suck it once more. He’s apologizing to “absolutely fucking nobody”. Great. Byeeeeeeeeee. Also that other song he did on SNL was not good either.
I hate that he and Fallon were in Dakota’s monologue. She didn’t need them. She’s wicked funny. As evidenced by her spot-on delivery throughout my favorite sketch of the night:
Also, Horny Little Dorks should have made the main show. Because even though The Barry Gibb Talk Show referenced my old friend Elie Mystal, it wasn’t very funny at all.
Meanwhile, Crossroads is coming to Netflix.
In case you don’t know, this film was written by one Ms. Shonda Rhimes. It’s directed by Tamra Davis, who also did Half Baked, which was co-written my the boyfriend I had through a big chunk of my 20s. Because of that I got to see some dailies and early cuts from Tamra (who at the time was married to Mike D.) when would go to dinner at their place.
When she showed me a clip of the “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” scene and I cried not insignificantly in the living room of their Tribeca loft. I regret nothing.
That song is still a pop ballad-y melancholy banger. I listen to it all the time, but I haven’t seen the movie in AGES. I can’t wait.
Now, one last palate cleanser to clear out my pop culture rage before we talk some shows and such. Stoner content has really been my online lifeline these days. Bless.
This took me back to hot boxing in someone’s car in high school and then losing my shit back inside the party with my best friend. There is nothing better than high laughing this hard with your bestie. It’s so pure.
Show Me Your Teeth
Some might say one who chooses to watch a documentary about orthodontic messiness (that’s a thing I guess?) while suffering from near-debilitating generalized dental anxiety is a lover of self-inflicted discomfort. Yep, that’s me!
That anxiety actually didn’t flare up with a vengeance until what I think was my freshman or sophomore year in college, or the summer between them. There was an incident at the dentist where they kept trying to drill a cavity when I wasn’t numb and I haven’t been the same since. Like full trauma.
It is very difficult to keep me numb4 and I have shit teeth—so it’s a real situation. That’s right. In a cruel twist of fate, there is always something wrong with my teeth. Yet no other type of doctor’s appointment or procedure even makes me bat an eye.
Anyway, I watched this new A24 doc called Open Wide on Netflix.
Here’s the official logline, per Variety:
“John Mew has waged a lonely war against the industry — and that teenage rite of passage, braces, for decades. With his son Mike now taking up the fight, the Mews’ fringe theories have turned into a full-blown online sensation. But even while mewing goes viral on TikTok and the Mews churn out content for their millions of followers, Mike is pursued by the British Orthodontic Society and threatened with expulsion by the very people who took away his father’s license.”
I had no idea there was this level of politics happening within the orthodontia community!
(I did indeed have braces in middle school and had to wear headgear for a while. But just at night, not to school or anything. It still sucked. God, remember how horrible it was to get your braces tightened? These guys def prey on that.)
This orthodontist and his son are out here “reshaping” young jawlines with methods and a rationale that are quite suspect. And…John experimented on his children. So there’s that.
It’s quite a ride following the path of their “Mewing” technique and orthotropics, which takes a turn of the incel variety. Joe Rogan pops up too. Of course. There’s also an absolutely bonkers family dynamic at work and a woman sings an original song about the lies she’s been sold by the Mews men while playing the ukulele.
I say, check it out.
Bravo Beat
I had planned to talk about the first two episodes of Feud: Capote vs. The Swans, but I didn’t get a chance to watch them yet. I will be doing so this evening as a treat, along with the latest episode of Traitors. We’ll talk about it more next week, as well as the new Nicole Kidman show Expats, which I watched the first two eps of.
Teaser: I’m into it so far. You can check it out on Amazon.
So, let us now chat about the modern-day swans who have their own Capote of sorts in Andy Cohen, but have nothing to do with high society.
There’s a lot going on over on Bravo these days with the Bev Hills ladies in Spain where Annemarie continues to be one of the worst Housewives of all time and some of us were continuing to process the SLC reunions. Miami is still fantastic and Potomac is having perhaps its most flop season ever, which is a huge bummer. And…Vanderpump is back!
Some quickie thoughts on the Housewives and then my usual stream of consciousness notes on the VPR premiere.
I mentioned this last week, but I’m still not over Heather Gay’s new face—and teeth. I can’t stop thinking about it.
A couple of you have asked for my thoughts on Monica in SLC. Here’s what I’ll say after the three reunion episodes: I don’t believe anything she says and that Burn Book was so cringe I hardly know how one comes back from that alone. What she proved to me on the reunions was that she’s actually not that good at this and is way less savvy than we thought. Or I thought, anyway. She’s no mastermind. She can’t read a room. And she’s not witty or clever, with her retorts or otherwise. I thought she would be better at knowing what to do for her own self-preservation and that didn’t prove out. She dissed Andy and production and lied every three seconds about stuff that could easily be proven. I still have enormous empathy for her about that terrible narcissistic mother. That’s real and dark and she comes by her shit honestly. But at some point she has to not let that define her…it means doing the work though. And she ain’t anywhere close to being ready for that. I def think her stepping back for at least a season is the right call. What about you?
Over in Barcelona, we learned that Erika Jayne can smell ghosts????? Can this be a spinoff? I’m so back on the Erika Jayne train this season. I really thought she might be too far gone and in need of a Dorinda-style pause. But she’s really pulled it together (aside from getting hammmmmmmmered this week, but we need that in our Housewives!) She seems to be doing some actual therapy and you can really see it. However, she should have known better than to bring up the earrings again. All I could think was the Taylor lyric from “Happiness” (fully underrated Evermore track that has been in my top tier since that album dropped): “Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury.” She needs to figure that part out.
As for this more activated Crystal, I’m sure she’s snarked about the ladies all over Beverly Hills, Brentwood, Calabasas, and the Palisades. They all frekaing do that. But I also think Annemarie is making it into something it’s not/putting her own spin on the language and is the biggest flop of any new Housewife in quite some time. Slash maybe ever? She has not one good Housewifian quality. And Crystal was not mocking nurses, she was calling Annemarie out for pretending to be a doctor when she’s not. Sure, she was helpful when Crystal got sick. That’s the only thing I can say about her that isn’t wholly negative.
Now let’s scoot on over to WeHo and the Valley for the return of VPR. As I’ve said, I’m worried that this season is going to be boring. Like the Monica situation on SLC, they had lightning in a bottle this year and anything might feel like a letdown. I also don’t want people to force stuff to try and recapture what cannot be recaptured. We’ll see how it goes.
We’re already changing things up with the opening, which was posted a couple days ahead of Tuesday’s premiere.
And this came out on Tuesday afternoon: Sandoval being a dick after showing up late to record Nick Viall’s podcast, which has a legit big audience even if I’m not typically a member of it. Shocker! This was not some revelation or behavior that only started last year. He succcccckkkkkkkkkks.
Here’s what I jotted down/typed up while watching. Can’t wait to hear what you all thought about the premiere:
Why is that art of Ariana and Tom still hanging, even if they still live together?
Okay when did this filming start?
Summer Moon is extremely cute. Even though I am not a big bow girl, even for littles.
LOL airport noise at James and Ally’s place makes all the sense in the world.
God I hate these modern farmhouses so fucking much. Honestly, there are so many swaths of people that shouldn’t be able to decide certain things…like aesthetics. I want to have words with whoever popularized those designs.
I’m really glad Lala has her mom. Earnestly.
Can someone Eternally Sunshine that clip of Schwartz doing a Bill Clinton impersonation out of my brain? Go ahead and take James saying, “citrus puss” while you’re at it. Add a side of Schwartz saying “dingleberries” later in the ep.
James is so so damaged. A bullet point since I started writing this newsletter back in 208. I hate him and also want to help him. And sometimes adore him. But have never understood how anyone wants to bang him. The layers!
LVP looks great. Unsurprisingly.
Shit. Why did those Ariana and Tom pics make me emotional? This should maybe be added to the larger analysis of why I’m super into the Carpenters at this particular moment. Maybe more on that next week.
I do think Lala feels bad…but also knows how this show works? I feel like I might end up really hating this storyline.
I still can’t get it up to care about Katie. Can we bring back Tequila Katie?
The quick edits and flashbacks and cuts with Ariana dancing at the table while people cheered did not land well. But maybe that was just me????? Because the Bravo editors are typically the best this world of ours has to offer and they make smart choices.
I love the Olympics (especially Summer) sooooooo much. I cannot wait.
Okay, I enjoyed myself generally but didn’t get any real thrills. Is this just because of all the bitter crankiness?????
We’ve had enough ICK this week, so let’s leave that section out—or I guess it was the whole top half of this thing. I do feel so much better. Thanks for letting me vent. This is one of my therapies. But also, I go to actual therapy. Otherwise, we’d all be in big trouble.
Oh, and…
I pre-ordered Challenger by Andrew Higginbotham so fast. Let’s relive another core Gen X trauma together, okay? It comes out in May … I do not feel the need to comment on the Nicki/Megan situation because it feels like extremely not my business other than to say, I’m sorry to people who used to love Nicki and now feel really betrayed by her behavior recently with this and other things over the past few years. That sucks from a fan perspective. One of my former colleagues did decide to weigh in and that was not a great idea. Was I surprised? No I was not … Contrary to nobody’s actual belief other than one I invented in my head, I did not style Steph Curry from my own closet for the Warriors/Lakers game last weekend. I was living for the flares and chunky shoe moment though … Oooooh a Wendy Williams doc is coming … The origins of six classic Arrested Development jokes is extremely my jam.
Until next week (please come back lol), I’ll leave you with one of said jokes.
The Mayonegg.
This led to a couple of friends and I referring to an old colleague of ours as “Egg”. It was a real winding road of AD references to get there, but we still talk about it well over a decade later.
xA
I literally cannot bring myself to say Tayvis or Traylor or any of those names.
It will never fail to make me laugh when people have to call it the “big game” because they can’t say Super Bowl for licensing/advertising reasons. As a person who used to do branded social content, I can attest it’s as awkward to write as it sounds/reads in a post or a clip or a commercial.
Yes, there are layers here with the John Mayer of it all. He’s great with the Dead. Period.
If you have any sort of redhead gene, this is actually a scientific thing that has been properly studied.
💯 to the entire Blondie related content. I just cannot with all the breathless fandom craziness and the overexposure. Just....staaaaaaahp! Everyone. Please, for my poor nerves! WHN is an online oasis for me about this. And yes: am not a monster. I am happy she is happy though he is NOT my jam at all. But enough please.
But she had better win SOTY tomorrow night or I will RIOT. I would love the Haylor back-to-back but am not sure the Academy would be willing to make her a 4 time AoTY winner. Will be watching faithfully though.