My Give a F*cks Are On Vacation

Hawk Tuah girl. Gwyneth Paltrow stars in The Curious Case of the East End's Secret Shitter. Glastonbury gems. Kendrick's "Not Like Us" MV. A Summer House bebe + much more.

Hi hi hi friends.

If my Instagram feed is to be believed, it would seem that 3 out of 5 people I know are currently vacationing in Europe. I truly love that for all of you, while also feeling much jealousy.

Am I going to London in like 6 weeks? Sure, sure. We all contain multitudes.

Even if you’re not currently on vacay, I do hope you’ve been able to disconnect and enjoy a lil time off with the holiday yesterday. If you’re currently reading this by any sort of water—pool, lake, ocean, river, creek, sprinkler, cold plunge—even better.

I’m gonna try to keep it tight today (lol) while running down some of the more recent happenings in the culture that are way more fun to talk about than our crumbling democracy.

(I am legally compelled¹ to post this Dazed and Confused clip on multiple platforms in and around the 4th of July every year.)

Let’s get into it…

News You Can Use to Communicate With Extremely Online Lunatics Like Me

Hawk Tuah Girl

Is this the stupidest thing to go massively viral in the past couple years? I feel like it’s definitely in the running. Mostly because it’s just…not funny. I love dumb, but it’s gotta bring a giggle.

I feel like in the blink of an eye, the words “Hawk Tuah Girl” were forced down the throats of even the most casually online human—even if you had no idea wtf that word salad meant.

It’s simple and wildly stupid. The clip below is the whole gist. This girl went from an interview outside a bar wherein she describes spitting on a dick (the hawk tuah of it all) to being onstage at a Zach Bryan concert, dominating algorithms, and having loads of stories made up about who she is/where she’s from, etc.

I was like, there must be more to it. There is not. I’m so embarrassed that this became a thing.

“You gotta give ’em that ‘hawk tuah’ and spit on that thang! You get me?”

What are we doing, America? I could not begin to say.

I’m assuming Hailey Welch (her actual name) ended up on stage with Zach Bryan after she appeared on his girlfriend’s podcast. For those who are not aware, said girlfriend’s moniker is Brianna Chickenfry. I wish I could tell you I was making that up. Sigh. (Her actually last name is LaPaglia.) Most of you will find it extremely unsurprising that Ms. Chickenfry emerged out of the Barstool Sports world.

Also, I am so annoyed at whoever used “hawk” instead of “hock”. Merriam-Webster will tell you that both work. I strongly disagree.

Sidebar: Don’t EVEN get me started on people who spell it “woah” and not “whoa”. That’s almost grounds for being excised from my life, Scorpio-style.

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I can usually understand why something goes off even if it’s not something I personally find entertaining, but not this week. I felt very validated by the like-minded creators out there who found it all equally ridiculous (derogatory).

I do fear my friend Alyssa might be right about this.

I hate it here so I will go to
secret gardens in my mind
People need a key to get to
The only one is mine²

Let’s cleanse the palate quickly before we move on to the next topic.

Here’s the crowd cheering for Willie Nelson’s return to his tour. He had missed a few shows due to illness and I was very nervous about this 91-year-old national treasure.

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Butt Stuff

Now, this story is as ridiculous as the internet’s spit princess, but it’s the only thing I really want to talk about. I am so delightfully amused.

I missed this initial blind item³ somehow, even though we know I like to keep up with all things Gwyneth Paltrow.

From PopBitch:

It’s not all shits and giggles for New York’s upper crust as they head to the Hamptons for the summer season. It’s mostly just shits.

For the last few weeks the Hamptons set’s favourite piece of gossip to text to each other has regarded a scandal at the home of Gwyneth Paltrow. The story goes that a recent houseguest of Gwynnie’s catastrophically shat themselves in bed while staying there, then fled back to the city before they had to face the music.

Gwynnie’s guest won’t be the only shitter in the Hamptons this year. Ozempic-induced diarrhoea is becoming a very hot topic of conversation between hosts there – because so many of their guests are using it. So expect laundrettes to be fully booked from July 4th.

But I sure didn’t miss the Daily Mail’s⁴ (alleged) reveal. I mean, it was already soooooo good and then we leveled the fuck up.

So who are they claiming the secret shitter is? Derek Blasberg.

The mystery surrounding the unfortunate guest who lost control of their bowels in a bed at Gwyneth Paltrow's Hamptons home has now been solved by insiders who have named the person at the center of the scandal.

DailyMail.com can reveal that the culprit behind the mortifying incident is socialite and celebrity hanger-on, Derek Blasberg.

The internet was whipped into a frenzy last week when a blind item in a popular gossip newsletter claimed that Goop founder Paltrow, 51, had been tasked with cleaning up someone's 'Ozempic-induced diarrhea' at her home.

But insiders have claimed that media personality Blasberg, 42 - once described as 'one of showbiz’s most well-connected men' - only conveniently blamed it on the popular weight loss wonder drug before allegedly fleeing the property.

'It’s not Ozempic, that’s just what he told everyone,' the insider said, before revealing how the secret made its way through the Hamptons set.

I love Hunter Harris’s Substack and you should absolutely subscribe if you haven’t already.

She always has me LOLing all over the place.

I would argue that democracy is shitting the bed, and maybe the Democratic party is shitting the bed, and very definitely whoever is in charge of Katy Perry’s career right now is shitting the bed. But according to the Daily Mail, the culprit of the crime at Paltrow’s house was none other than Derek Blasberg, the closest friend of every celebrity you checked JustJared for updates on in 2014. In 2016, New York Magazine called him the “Truman Capote of Instagram.” In 2020 Elle labeled him “the most connected man in fashion.” This week, Daily Mail calls him a “socialite and celebrity hanger-on.” (That strikes me as polite.) 

I think of Blasberg as the man who went around with Emma Watson to hide copies of a Maya Angelou book in the Union Square subway station to, like, stop Trump or something. I also think of him as the Succession “media and culture” (new money) consultant

who once declined my interview request.  

If He Did It

I’m going to try to err closer to the TPWK end of the spectrum here and use an old trick from sorority rush⁵ wherein we were not allowed to make negative or disparaging remarks about possible pledges during the official process. So if someone realllllly didn’t like someone, they’d get up in the meeting and say something along the lines of, “We grew up in the same neighborhood” and then just sit down.

What I’ll say is I’ve been in and around the publishing/fashion/beauty/entertainment worlds for a long time and wrote this in response to a comment on Hunter’s post. That’s where I’ll leave it.

Anyway, this story is fun in a very specific way that I simply adore.

Like, come ON. It’s too good.

'Gwyneth told Oprah, Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, and Larry David,' they continued. 

'It’s shocking how many people know this story and how he has managed to keep it out of The Post… probably via his best friend [socialite Dasha Zhukova] - whose mom just married Rupert Murdoch.'

Content abounds out here on the interwebs if you would like to go deeper on this niche story centered around the Hamptons and poop.

Elsewhere on the Jitney Route

Lindsay Hubbard from Summer House is indeed pregnant, which was a rumor circulating the past few weeks. This information was maybe leaked by Dorinda Medley while filming the new season of Traitors. I could def see Dorinda doing that, but who knows.

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Of course there was spon + a People exclusive involved.

Anyway, I think they start shooting the new season this weekend and Lindsay and Carl are going to be in the house and now she’s pregs with her riche boyfriend’s baby and he wants to stay private—yet is having a child with Lindsay Hubbard.

We shall see how this all plays out…

Brats Do It Better

We are absolutely all having a Brat Summer. I love perfect branding that can inspire a million interpretations. You don’t even have to know a singular thing about Charli XCX to brattify your life.

It’s giving, “I don't even know what that means. No one knows what it means, but it's provocative” and I’m into that for us.

Glasto Girlies Rise

I really do need to go to Glastonbury at some point. It’s so much more my overall vibe than Coachella. If Harry headlines next year, obvs I’m there. (I’ve held strong on my position that I think we will at least have an album announcement in the back half of this year from my beloved British Fruit Witch.)

A few things that jumped out for me this year:

• When I think Glasto aesthetic I think Kate, Alexa, Sienna—and we had two of them in the mix this year.

Also spotted:

Little Miss Flo, with a dash of Midsommar

Cara Delevingne + Anya Taylor-Joy, who I hope were doused in SPF. How many packs of cigs do you think they brought with them?

Dua Lipa, one of my dad’s faves. .

Kate was not around, but her daughter Lila was representing the fam.

And a few vintage, forever iconic Glasto Kates for good measure.

• I will never, ever be embarrassed about loving Coldplay and Chris Martin will always be able to both get it and make me cry. My favorite combo. I fully wept watching Michael J. Fox join them for “Fix You”.

(Separately, I would like to hear both CM’s and Dakota’s thoughts on the Hamptons shit scandal of 2024. Actually, Apple and Moses too while we’re at it.)

• Also, I recently dipped back into Keane so this made me happy and all sorts of aughts nostalgic.

• Yes, Paloma!

You Didn’t Think Kendrick Was Done, Did You?

He dropped the video for “Not Like Us” and continued to add layers to his decimation of Drake.

Here are some explainers + reactions. The limit does still does not exist for me with this category of content. The hopscotch paired with the “A minor” line was absolutely diabolical. I love it.

@trvpforeverDid I miss anything? 👀 Did I catch anything you missed? 🤔 Do yall like music video breakdowns? 🫣 Did y’all enjoy the video?

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Ick Me Once

I’m an extremely sex-positive person and probably make other people feel icked out sometimes with how much comfort I have talking about some weird shit. An open marriage isn’t even weird shit. And yet, this headline gave me supreme ick.

Almost everything about Michael Rubin’s annual white party is ick-tastic to me. Not even Jay Z + Beyoncé + Joe Burrow being in attendance could mitigate the rest of it.

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Gen X Moment of Zen

This 1993 Breeders performance is so sick. I love this song to the core of my being.

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Eras Tour Diary: Dublin + Amsterdam

First, a few updates for my cult-within-a-cult.

Thanks to my friend Beth (an American in London I met via a Substack writing group!) for sending me this before it even hit Taylor Swift’s internet. I loooooooooove the V&A. It’s one of my most favorite museums and I cannot wait to drink some wine in that stunning courtyard too.

(Check out Beth’s excellent Substack, Curious Minds!)

Of course Blondie is keeping tabs on the Olympians.

I love when Taylor gets in a commenting mood + that she, too, is an extremely online person.

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Cute, re: “us.”

Now onto surprise song o’clock.

Dublin N2

These were all lovely, but not personally emotionally devastating.

🎸: “The Albatross” x “Dancing With Our Hands Tied”

@rachelkirk.xThe Albratross x DWOHT surprise songs🎤 #theerastour #fyp #erastourdublin #taylorswift #surprise #aviva #dublin #TSTheErasTouronTikTok #foryou

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🎹: “This Love” x “Ours”

@barbtarbox95#erastour #dublinnighttwo #taylorswift #swifttok #taylorsversion #erastourdublin #ireland #surprisesong @Taylor Swift #thislovexours #thislove #ours #dublinn2surprisesongs #fyp #pianosurprisesong #oursxthislove

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Dublin N3

Stevie Nicks was officially in the house on this night. I was on the plane back from LA and had to stop texting with my friend about it because I’m unwell and unhinged and I was spiraling with anxiety. Then I was actually able to watch in real time and everything was okay because my high priestess enjoyed surprise song o’clock from the tent.

Little baby Taylor. Her vocals are SO much stronger now, so I would like to them to sing together again but when I’m there. Duh.

I was terrified of the level of jealousy I would feel if they did “Clara Bow” together and mashed it up with like “Silver Springs” or “Gold Dust Woman” or anything else from Stevie or Fleetwood.

Here’s what Blondie said before the guitar songs.

“The reason I want to play this tonight is because a friend of mine is here who’s watching the show and who has been one of the reasons why I, or any female artist, get to do what we get to do. She’s become friends with so many female artists just to be a guiding hand. I can’t tell you how rare that is. She’s a hero of mine and also someone that I can tell any secret and she’d never tell anybody. She’s really helped me through so much over the years. I’m talking about Stevie Nicks!”

Stevie is the fucking best. I love her so much.

🎸: “Clara Bow” x “The Lucky One”

Obsessed with this pairing, naturally.

In case you don’t have almost every Taylor lyric ever written committed to memory, “Clara Bow” is from TTPD, which Stevie wrote the opening poem for.

"You look like Stevie Nicks
In '75, the hair and lips
Crowd goes wild at her fingertips
Half moonshine, a full eclipse"
"I'm not trying to exaggerate
But I think I might die if I made it,
Die if I made it
No one in my small town
Thought I'd meet these suits in LA,
They all want to say ..."

"This town is fake but
You're the real thing
Breath of fresh air through smoke rings
Take the glory, give everything
Promise to be dazzling"

"The crown is stained but you're the real queen
Flesh and blood amongst war machines
You're the new god we're worshipping
Promise to be ... dazzling"

Beauty is a beast that roars
Down on all fours
Demanding "more"
Only when your girlish glow
Flickers just so
Do they let you know
It's hell on earth to be heavenly
Them's the breaks
They don't come gently

"You look like Taylor Swift
In this light
We're loving it.
You've got edge she never did
The future's bright

... Dazzling.”

An Open Letter to the Chairman of The Tortured Poets Department

“The Lucky One” is from Red and has lines like….

New to town with a made-up name
In the angel's city, chasing fortune and fame
And the camera flashes make it look like a dream

You had it figured out since you were in school
Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool
So overnight, you look like a '60s queen

Another name goes up in lights
Like diamonds in the sky

And they'll tell you now, you're the lucky one
Yeah, they'll tell you now, you're the lucky one
But can you tell me now you're the lucky one?

It was a few years later, I showed up here
And they still tell the legend of how you disappeared
How you took the money and your dignity and got the hell out
They say you bought a bunch of land somewhere
Chose the Rose Garden over Madison Square
And it took some time, but I understand it now

'Cause now my name is up in lights
But I think you got it right

🎹: “You’re On Your Own, Kid”

This was also absolutely for Stevie. As I’ve mentioned a few times, Stevie has credited YOYOK for helping her process her grief over Christine McVie’s death.

I Wish You All the Love in the World

I think Taylor must not have known for sure that Stevie was going to make it to a show, otherwise she probably wouldn’t have played it N1. Anyone who complained about it on the internet needs to take several seats.

@popbase#stevienicks thanks #taylorswift for writing ‘You’re On Your Own, Kid’ because it’s how she feels after losing Christine McVie. #fyp #foryou #popculture #fypシ #swifttok

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@tisthedamnsteviestevie nicks thanking taylor swift (again) last night for writing // you’re on your own, kid // as it has been helping her deal with the death of her late friend and bandmate christine mcvie #stevienicks #fleetwoodmac #christinemcvie #taylorswift

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@lpoparaThe Eras Tour Dublin N3 YOYOK Full Version #dublintstheerastour #tstheerastour #erastour #taylorswift #yoyok #fyp @Taylor Nation @Taylor Swift

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Amsterdam N1

My friend Allie and her family are going to Amsterdam N3 and I’m so freaking excited for them. She’s low-key unspoiled for a ton of things about the show and I cannot WAIT to hear all her thoughts. It could never be me, but I have mad respect for anyone who has that kind of willpower.

🎸: “Guilty As Sin” x “Untouchable”

🎹: “The Archer” x “Question…?”

This one fully took me out. Usually I am alone watching my grainy livestreams, but my friend Rachel got to witness this mashup take me the *fuck* out with a dramatic collapse across the couch. Ironically, I am not the one is this friendship who is an actual actress. She was like, “Now THIS is the show.”

Basically, this is me during any given song—right down to the hand choreography. Rachel is newer on her Swiftie journey and no I did not force her first grainy livestream upon her just because she was staying with me for a couple nights. Promise.

I AM SELF-AWARE ABOUT HOW EXTRA I AM.

Anyway, I feel so deeply seen by both of these songs + it was nice to have “The Archer” back on the Eras stage. (It was bumped out when the TTPD set came into the mix.)

It’s just a perfect mashup that I wouldn’t have predicted, but of course makes all the sense in the world now.

@jacielovestaylorWHAT AN INSANE MASHUP!!!! #taylorswift #swifttok #swifties #erastour #erastouramsterdam #thearcher #tsmidnights #lover #taylorsversion #fyp #foryoupage #fypシ゚viral #blowthisup #makemefamous #taylorswifterastour

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It was also great to see the return of the purple Folklore dress. Yes, these are things that are tracked in the fandom.

Amsterdam N2

🎸: “imgonnagetyouback” x “Dress”

As she was singing “Guilty As Sin” on N1 I guessed that “Dress” would be the mashup…I was just a day too early.

@feverdreamhigh_IMGONNAGETYOUBACK X DRESS the eras tour amsterdam n2 guitar surprise song #amsterdamtstheeratour #taylorswift #taylornation #swifttok #swiftie night two

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🎹: “You Are In Love” x “Cowboy Like Me”

Gorge.

@pyrex_queen#taylorswift Amsterdam N2 surprise songs on piano #erastour #erastourtaylorswift

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@mrbridgertonThe way she sang this song 🥹 #taylorswift #swifttok #traviskelce #tayvis #erastourtaylorswift

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Oh, and…

Yessssssss for S3 of Industry on HBO soooooooon … We also got the return of Chicken Shop Date this week with SZA as the guest. It’s hilarious … Andy Murray has always been a real gem and I have long held that his wife has one of the greatest heads of hair ever … I know I’m a biased Colts fan, but the Manning brothers are always so dang amusing … I cannot even begin to understand J. Lo’s strategy right now … Jeremy Irons joining The Morning Show to play Jen Aniston’s dad is perfectly batshit on brand for this ridiculous show. I’ve never missed an episode and don’t plan on that changing.

Until next week, a fab example of listicle (but make it TikTok) content I really enjoy.

xA

1. By who, you ask? Oh that’s none of my business. It’s the same entity that requires a repost of any photos from the set of The Talented Mr. Ripley, no matter what the time of year.

2. Taylor lyrics. Duh. “I Hate It Here” from TTPD.

3. Obviously, we take all blind items with a grain of salt because why, class? That’s right, media literacy!

4. We also take the Daily Mail with a grain of salt, of course. Or as Fug Nation would say, “DMIK” as in “Daily Mail, I know!”

5. Yes, I was in a sorority. I was a Pi Phi and it was, honestly, a whole lot of fun. No, we didn’t have sorority houses at Duke and I loved that we didn’t have to live together. Yes, rush is inherently gross but I also got really competitive about it and relished being the person they’d send in when someone cool might have thought everything was a little too “sorority”. I will never forget some of our “Song & Skit” rush songs for as long as I live.